If someone can explain to me why my stuff constantly gets stolen..
My door is always open.
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
Glass Coffins
Will they be popular?Remains to be seen
I’ve been secretly injecting soap into my balls to see if I can jizz bubbles.
It’s time for me to come clean.
I met a guy who was convinced that there were no words in the English language with more syllables than vowels….
I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refused to accept criticism.
I went to the grocery store.
The sign said “No food or drinks inside”So I went home.
I tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbor
… but he said he had naan.
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
That means I have one up on history’s greatest scientific genius.Because I’m not dead.
A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.
For support, rather than illumination.
So I hear the Hulk’s believing in Muhammad nowadays…
Now he’s gone from “Hulk Smash” to “I Slam”.
“How old is your girlfriend?”
“She’s 52”“Haha, dude, she could be your mom!”“Yeah, actually it’s yours.”
A female janitor at my building asked me if i wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I politely declined- I can’t deal with high maintenance women.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said anything racist,
A black mothafucka would’ve probably stolen from me
Don’t be too harsh on people who are constantly taking selfies.
They are just trying to save face.
A vegan once told me…..
A vegan once told me that eating meat was gross….. I then replied a man who sells fruit and vegetables is grocer.
Barber: Mr. Bond, you are turning old and grey. Would you like me to colour your hair?
Janes Bond: No thanks. Dye another day.
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This Blew Up! Thanks for the Gold!
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work
The medical code of ethics is way too strict. Apparently, I’m not allowed to marry a patient even if we’re in a consensual relationship.
I’m really starting to hate being a veterinarian.
Couples Counsellor: So, what brings you here today?
My wife: I can’t stand it any more. He’s too literal.Me: My truck.
If you’re here for yodeling lessons please form an
Orderly, Orderly, Orderly Queue
The opposite of Microsoft Office is…
Macrohard Onfire.
I asked a Chinese girl for her number…
She said, Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight. I said, “Wow” Then her friend said, She means 666-3629.
I was kidnapped by some mimes 4 years ago today
The things they did to me were just unspeakable
It’s good news for insomniacs
Only 10 more sleeps till Christmas.
Her: Take off my bra
Me: Ok Her: Take off my Panties Me: Wow, ok Her: Stop wearing my clothes
Ollie, one of our favorite Minnesota doofuses, calls the airlines information desk and inquires, “How long does it take ta fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?
“Just a minute,” said the busy clerk.“Vell, said Ollie, “if it goes dat fast, I tink I’ll yust take da bus.”
Farmer 1:What kind of person would make a path through my wheat field?
Farmer 2:I guessing a scythopath.
I can see that next year is going to be a good year
Because it’s going to be 2020
Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can’t survive a slap from a newspaper.
That shows how toxic the media is.
Blowjobs are great
Even if you suck at it you’re still doing it correctly.