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Marriage Jokes

Marriage jokes for anyone who has said I do and lived to laugh about it. From nagging spouses to selective hearing and the joys of a shared bank account, these jokes poke fun at wedded life in all its glory. Read a few to your other half, if you dare.

Short on time? We picked the best of them for you: 100 husband and wife jokes, sorted by topic, from husbands explaining themselves to old married couples.

Macho

– How many times a night does yours wake you up? – Three times. – Macho! – No, prostate.

The Best Thing About Marriage

The best thing about marriage is being able to say “I’ll have to check with my wife” about anything you have absolutely no intention of doing.

Never Guessed Right

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All the times my wife has asked me “What do you want for dinner?”, I have never once guessed right.

Whose Husband

If a husband makes you happy, what difference does it make whose he is!

Let’s Swap Seats

– Honey, can you see well? – Yes. – Nobody’s blocking your view? – No. – And the seat is comfortable? – Yes, everything’s fine. – Then let’s swap seats.

It Usually Becomes Clear by Noon

– How do you greet your wife in the morning? – The usual. “Good morning, my queen, my sunshine. I’m sorry.” – Sorry for what? – No idea. It usually becomes clear by noon.

Sorry About the Car, Darling

Wife: Darling, I made you pancakes to say sorry for hitting the car last night.Husband: You did WHAT?!Wife: Pancakes…

Will I Get Caught

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A man visits a fortune teller. She looks at his palm and gasps: – Oh no! In two days you’re going to kill your wife! – That I know. Will I get caught?

Lottery Plans

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Wife: – When you win the lottery, I’m getting a facelift, Botox and new boobs. What do you say? – And what would you say if I spent that money tuning up my old pickup?

Will You Cry

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– Honey, will you cry when I die? – Of course I will. You know I cry over every little thing!

Layoffs

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A man gathers his wife, the neighbour’s wife and his mistress: – Girls, times are hard. There will be layoffs…

Bricks in Bed

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Comic: Are you crazy? Why are you hauling bricks to bed? None of your business! A wall between partners, in the most literal sense.

Extreme Sports

A man walks into the doctor’s office covered in bruises. – What happened to you? Do you do extreme sports? – Yes. I disagree with my wife.

Heine’s Will

Heinrich Heine left everything to his wife on condition that she remarry, so at least one man would regret his death.

Finishing Together

I wish we could finish together, just once… And what do you want me to do, hire a conductor?

Walking by Proxy

“Right, I’m heading out for a walk.” “Can you take my watch with you?” Author: TWONKS

first test

Agents of special services who were caught in infidelity by their wives are discharged from work due to unsuitability.

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