Marriage is a partnership of equals, which is why one person is always right and the other one is always doing the dishes. Here are 100 of our favourite husband and wife jokes, hand-picked from the hundreds in TheFun.Net’s marriage jokes category and sorted by topic, from husbands explaining themselves to couples who have been arguing happily for forty years. They are all clean enough to read out at an anniversary dinner. Once you have recovered, pour yourself something and move on to our walks into a bar jokes.
Jump to: Husbands Explaining Themselves · Wives Always Win · Arguments and Making Up · Weddings, Anniversaries and Babies · Money and Shopping · Old Married Couples
Funny Jokes About Husbands Explaining Themselves
1. “I’m leaving you!” my wife screamed. “You don’t lift a finger around this house!” “And what about this?” I replied, waving the remote control. “Does this thing change channels by itself?”
2. I told my wife, “Everybody thinks I’m too sarcastic.” “What makes you say that?” she asked. I said, “My mouth.”
3. I said to my wife, “Have I told you lately that I love you?” She giggled and said, “No.” I said, “Doesn’t that tell you something?”
4. I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife. Then she phoned.
Wife: What are you doing?
Husband: Missing you.
5. “Can you explain how this lipstick got on your collar?” asked a suspicious wife. “No, I can’t,” the husband said. “I distinctly remember taking my shirt off.”
6. My wife found lipstick in my pocket. I told her straight up that I was cheating on her. There was no way I was going to tell her that I sell Avon.
7. Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I’m married now, and that’s where I sleep.
8. When my wife picks a restaurant that I don’t like, I just say, “Oh yeah, that’s where that really cute waitress works.” Problem solved.
9. I told my wife to spin the globe and put her finger on it, and wherever it landed would be our holiday destination. “Ooh!” she said excitedly. “Looks like it’s the Caribbean.” “Great,” I replied. “Now let’s see where I’m going.”
10. My wife came home to find me watching the football.
Wife: You turn that game off and go and do the dishes!
Me (throwing down the remote): You listen to me. I’m the head of this household and I make the decisions around here. I’m going to do the laundry first, then the ironing, and THEN the dishes!
11. During flights I get a really terrible earache. This year I finally found a solution: I’ve booked my wife’s seat ten rows back.
12. Wife: You said you weren’t going to drink any more!
Me: And I’m not. I’m going to drink exactly the same as before.
13. I was at a nightclub until 3am celebrating my wife’s birthday. When I got home, she was furious.
14. My wife said I could do whatever I liked on my birthday. So I’m flying to Brazil to start a new life.
15. My wife said, “You always come home in a bad mood. I can’t remember the last time you came home in a good mood.” I said, “That’s because you weren’t here.”
16. My wife called me today to tell me the car wouldn’t start. I said, “Honey, when I’m not there you have to sit in the driver’s seat.”
17. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning and noticed she made far too many trips to fetch each item. So I said, in my best engineer voice, “Sweetheart, why don’t you apply the load maximisation principle and carry everything in one trip, thereby minimising the total distance travelled?” Well, she loved my suggestion. It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast. Now I do it in 5.
18. Me: Babe, I’m at the hospital. I cut off my finger.
Wife: Oh no, the whole finger?
Me: No, no, the one next to it.
19. Man: Doctor, my wife has laryngitis.
Doctor: I’m afraid there’s no cure.
Man: Cure it? I want you to prolong it.
Jokes About Wives: Why She Always Wins
20. Wife: Tell me those three magic words.
Husband: It’s my fault.
21. A man is convinced his wife is going deaf, but she won’t admit it, so he decides to test his theory. While she’s standing at the sink, he stands six steps behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, dear?” No answer. He moves a few steps closer and asks again. Still nothing. Finally he stands right at her shoulder and says, “What’s for dinner, dear?” She turns around angrily and says, “For the third time, sausages!”
22. Guys, I need help desperately. I’m in the middle of a huge argument with my wife and she just told me I’m right. What do I do next?
23. My wife is one of those people who can spot the humour in any situation. And quickly remove it.
24. The philosophy of marriage: at the beginning, every wife treats her husband like a GOD. Later, nobody knows why, the letters somehow get reversed.
25. Eleven people were hanging from a rope beneath a rescue helicopter: ten men and one woman. The rope wasn’t strong enough for all of them, so they agreed one person would have to let go. Nobody could decide who. Finally the woman gave a moving speech, saying she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children. All of the men started clapping.
26. A man was always grumbling that he worked all day while his wife stayed at home and did nothing. So God offered to let him swap places with her for a couple of days, and he happily agreed. On the first day he made breakfast, got the kids off to school, tidied the house, did the shopping and a hundred other jobs. By the evening he was exhausted. The next morning he begged God to swap him back. “I’m afraid that’s not possible,” said God. “Why not?” he asked. “Because you’re pregnant.”
27. Wife: Dear, this computer isn’t doing what I tell it to.
Husband: It’s a computer, not a husband.
28. My husband annoyed me today, so I poured some water on the floor in front of the washing machine. He’s been trying to fix it for two hours.
29. Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I’m a piece of meat. That wouldn’t bother me if she wasn’t a vegan.
30. I try to let my wife run things at home. Like the dishwasher, the hoover and the lawnmower.
31. My wife hurt herself bumping into the sofa. I called her an ouch potato.
32. A husband holds his wife’s hand and says, “I know I haven’t been the best husband, but I need you to know I love you. The doctor has given me four months to live.” She laughs, pats his hand, says “You’re going to be just fine,” and walks off. Four months later the doctor is amazed: the man is in perfect health. “It’s a miracle!” he tells the wife. “Your husband said you weren’t worried in the slightest. Did you know this would happen?” She nods and says, “That man never does anything he says he’s going to.”
33. What’s the difference between your cat and your wife? One doesn’t care whether you live or die and refuses to eat anything you make. The other sleeps on the bed sometimes.
34. My wife stopped the car to ask a man for directions. “What’s the quickest way to the town centre?” she asked. “Swap seats with your husband,” he said.
Funny Marriage Jokes About Arguments and Making Up
35. My wife says I’m always repeating myself. My wife says I’m always repeating myself.
36. My wife says I have no discretion. What do you all think?
37. I said to my wife, “I think we’re ready for the next stage of our relationship.” She giggled and said, “What are you on about, silly? We’re happily married with two kids. What could the next step possibly be?” I said, “Divorce!”
38. My son asked me what it’s like to be married. So I deleted all the songs on his iPod except one. That should give him a pretty good idea.
39. My wife baked me a cake and I told her I was sending it to Budapest. She asked why Budapest. I said I’d renamed my stomach Budapest. She asked why. Because Budapest is the capital of Hungry. She is divorcing me.
40. Going to see How to Train Your Dragon tomorrow. Or marriage counselling, as my wife calls it.
41. My wife rang me earlier and said, “You’ll never guess who I saw today.” “Not much point trying, then,” I said, and put the phone down.
42. Marriage counsellor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers.
Husband: To be honest, I didn’t even know she sold them.
43. For our holiday, I told my wife I had booked a trip around the world. She said, “Can’t we go somewhere else?”
44. Someone once said to me, “You’re insane! You should be in an institution!” I said, “I’m married.” Well, they do say marriage is an institution.
45. Some marriages have a happy ending. It’s called divorce.
46. Sometimes I think divorce would be easier than putting together the furniture my wife bought at IKEA.
47. My wife left me because of my obsession with The Beatles. It’s been a hard day’s night.
48. My wife just sent me this text: “Thespacebaronmykeyboardstoppedworking.canyoupleasegivemeanalternativewhenyougethometonight?” Pretty excited, but does anyone know what “ternative” means?
49. Husband: Darling, if I lost my sight, would you be my eyes?
Wife: Of course, sweetheart.
Husband: If I lost my hearing, would you be my ears?
Wife: Absolutely, honey.
Husband: And if I lost my legs, would you push me in a wheelchair?
Wife: You don’t even need to ask. Why all the questions?
Husband: I’ve just sprained my wrist.
50. My wife insisted we go to Stockholm on holiday. I didn’t want to go at first, but now I don’t want to leave.
51. Wife: What’s that beeping?
Me: That’s the seat belt alarm.
Wife: How can you ignore something so annoying?
Me: Sorry, what?
52. My wife and I split up for psychological reasons. She was psycho and I was logical.
53. My wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with the internet. Worse still, my son Google agrees with her.
54. A husband comes home from confession, lifts his wife up and carries her on his shoulders. “Did the priest tell you to be this romantic?” she asks. “No,” he says, “he told me to carry my cross.”
55. Did you hear about the astronaut who left his wife? He needed space.
Husband and Wife Jokes About Weddings, Anniversaries and Babies
56. What’s the opposite of an aphrodisiac? Wedding cake.
57. Highway to Hell is a great song, because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
58. My wife phoned me, really excited. “I just tried on my wedding dress, and after ten years it still fits!” “Of course it fits,” I replied. “You were nine months pregnant when we got married.”
59. I received a wedding invitation. It read: “Your presence is present enough. We don’t want any presents at the wedding.” After re-reading it several times, I concluded that I wasn’t invited, so I decided not to attend.
60. Jennifer’s wedding was fast approaching, and nothing could spoil her excitement, not even her parents’ nasty divorce. Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear. A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new young wife had bought exactly the same dress. When asked to exchange it, the young wife refused: “Absolutely not. I look like a million dollars in this dress, and I’m wearing it.” Jennifer’s mother graciously said, “Never mind, sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. It’s your special day.” So they went shopping and found another gorgeous one. Over lunch, Jennifer asked, “Aren’t you going to return the first dress? You don’t have another occasion to wear it.” Her mother just smiled and said, “Of course I do, dear. I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.”
61. A newlywed husband went to see his priest about an annulment. “What is so troubling that you want to end your marriage?” asked the priest. “My wife and I keep fighting about food!” said the young man. “Well, my son, did you consummate the marriage on your wedding night?” “Yes, Father, that’s the problem. She managed to consume the entire wedding cake and then ate the whole cheese platter too!”
62. Him: What do I need to buy you to get you to make me some guacamole?
Me: A wedding ring.
63. Man: Would you like to have dinner with me on Saturday night?
Woman: Actually, I’m getting married on Saturday.
Man: Hmm. Friday night, then?
64. If you’re thinking of getting married, consider this carefully. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. But on the other hand, you don’t.
65. I lost a very good friend and drinking partner yesterday. His finger got caught in a wedding ring.
66. I’ll never forget the day I got married. And believe me, I’ve tried everything: drugs, alcohol, even hypnosis.
67. Some advice: keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterwards.
68. Boy (aged 4): Dad, I’ve decided to get married.
Dad: Wonderful! Do you have a girl in mind?
Boy: Yes, Grandma! She says she loves me, I love her too, and she’s the best cook in the whole world.
Dad: That’s nice, but there’s a small problem. She happens to be my mother. You can’t marry my mother!
Boy: Why not? You married mine!
69. My wife and I were heading out for date night. The babysitter smiled and said, “You don’t need to rush home. Take as long as you want!” That was two years ago. I hope she likes being a mum.
Married Couple Jokes About Money, Shopping and the Lottery
70. I lost my job and my wife on the same day. Thank you, Mega Millions.
71. My wife asked me, “Honey, before we got married you used to buy me presents. Now you don’t. Why?” I answered, “Have you ever seen a fisherman giving worms to a fish he’s already caught?”
72. I don’t see my wife and kids any more. It’s all because of gambling. I won the lottery and moved to Hawaii.
73. The kidnapper rang and said, “Ten thousand euros and you get your wife back.” “Negotiate with him!” the policeman whispered. So I said, “Twenty thousand and she’s all yours.”
74. My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday, so the delivery driver knocked on our door to check everything was all right.
75. “Have pity on me, sir, I have a wife and six children,” said the beggar. The gentleman replied, “My dear fellow, you have my heartfelt sympathy. So have I!”
76. I came home today to find my wife on eBay again. My kids have a weird sense of humour.
77. A man gathers his wife, the neighbour’s wife and his mistress: “Ladies, times are hard. There are going to be some layoffs.”
78. Some time after Sidney died, his widow Tillie told her friends what a thoughtful man he had been. “Just before he died, Sidney handed me three envelopes with his last wishes. The first contained $5,000 and a note: Please buy a nice casket. So I bought a beautiful mahogany one. The second contained $10,000 and a note: Please give me a nice funeral. So I did, with all his favourite food. The third contained $25,000 and a note: Please use this to buy a nice stone.” Holding up her hand, Tillie said, “So, do you like my stone?” and showed off her ten-carat diamond ring.
79. What do a wife and a hand grenade have in common? Pull the ring off either of them and you lose half the house.
80. My wife told me to leave a tip for our waitress. “OK,” I said, and turned to the waitress: “Don’t ever get married.”
81. A husband and wife were dining at a five-star restaurant. When the food arrived, the husband said, “Great, let’s eat!” His wife reminded him, “Honey, at home you always say a prayer before dinner.” He replied, “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook.”
82. My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other. So now it’s just a waiting game.
Jokes About Old Married Couples and Happily Ever After
83. My wife and I were having a romantic meal in a restaurant when I said, “Close your eyes, babe, and don’t peek until I say so.” A minute later I said, “OK, you can open them now.” “What is it? You’ve got me all excited!” “Just the dessert trolley,” I said. “But don’t worry, it’s gone past now.”
84. My wife said last night, “Do you realise my mother is coming over for dinner in five minutes?” I replied, “Yes, I know. I’m getting ready now.” “That sounds like her car pulling up outside.” “No, that’s my taxi. See you later.”
85. At a woman’s funeral, the pall-bearers accidentally bump the coffin into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open it and find she’s still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies again. At the end of the second funeral, as the pall-bearers carry the coffin out, her husband shouts, “Watch out for that wall!”
86. An old man was standing at his wife’s funeral when the vicar came over and said, “May she rest in peace.” The man replied, “I don’t know about her, but I certainly will.”
87. A woman bursts out laughing at her husband’s funeral. When people ask why, she says, “We were married for 30 years, and this is the first time I know where he’s going.”
88. Two men are out hunting when a funeral procession passes along the road. One of them lays down his rifle, takes off his hat and holds it over his heart until the hearse has gone. “That was a really decent gesture,” says his friend. “I didn’t know you could be so respectful.” “It was the least I could do,” says the first man. “After all, I was married to her for 26 years.”
89. A man died and went to heaven. A few days later his wife died and went to heaven too. She saw him and ran towards him with tears of joy in her eyes. He held up his hands and said, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. The contract said till death do us part!”
90. Husbands in films: “I know my late wife would want me to move on and be happy.”
My husband: “I know my late wife would come back to life and kill me if she knew I was happy.”
91. At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they’re usually married to each other.
92. A friend asked me, “What’s the secret to your happy marriage?” I said, “Chemistry. I’m on Valium and my husband’s on Prozac.”
93. “Laughing at your own mistakes can lengthen your life.” Shakespeare.
“Laughing at your wife’s mistakes can shorten your life.” Shakespeare’s wife.
94. A spelling mistake can ruin your life. One man sent this text to his wife from a business trip: “Having a great time. Wish you were her.”
95. A man finds his wife propping up one side of the washing machine with two bricks.
Man: What on earth are you doing?
Wife: Washing at 30 degrees.
96. A toast: here’s to our wives and girlfriends. May they never meet!
97. The poet Heinrich Heine left his entire estate to his wife on one condition: that she remarry. “Because then there will be at least one man who regrets my death.”
98. Wife: Honey, will you cry when I die?
Husband: Of course I will. You know I cry over every little thing.
99. I would never be unfaithful to my wife. I love my house too much.
100. A woman tells her husband about a dream in which everyone she knows turned into zombies. “Honey,” he says, “even if I turned into a zombie, I would never eat you.” “Aww,” she says. “The doctor told me to cut down on fatty food,” he adds.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is a good husband and wife joke for a wedding speech?
Pick something warm rather than bitter. The three magic words joke (it’s my fault) and the fisherman who stops giving worms to the fish he has already caught both get a laugh from both sides of the room. Avoid anything about divorce, exes or mothers-in-law unless you know the family very well, and keep it to one or two jokes.
Are these marriage jokes clean?
Yes. Everything on this page is suitable for a family dinner, an office card or an anniversary party. There is the odd bit of gentle innuendo, but nothing explicit and no swearing. If a joke teases husbands or wives, it does so in the spirit of couples who have been married long enough to laugh about it.
Why are there so many jokes about husbands and wives?
Because almost everyone knows a married couple, and almost every married couple has had the same arguments: the thermostat, the remote control, who forgot the anniversary, and how long getting ready really takes. Jokes about marriage work because the audience recognises themselves, or their parents, in every punchline.
Where do these jokes come from?
TheFun.Net has been collecting jokes since 2008. Most of these were sent in by readers, some were translated from other languages, and a few are classics that were told at weddings long before the internet existed. New jokes are added every week.
Where to Find More
Still married after all that? There are plenty more where these came from in the full marriage jokes category. If the in-laws have driven you to drink, head for the walks into a bar jokes, or keep things light with dad jokes and office jokes for when you are both back at work. And if you only have time for a quick one, try our 300 short jokes and one-liners. New jokes go up every week, so bookmark the page and come back before the next anniversary.