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Life lesson

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way for the neighbors to pay and build a privacy fence.

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Reminder

Every time I have to fold laundry I consider becoming a nudist.. Then I remember what I look like naked and I keep on folding.

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12 points

G.F. :You treat our relationship like some kind of game. 😠 Me: this will cost you 12 points and a bonus round.

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Wth

Watching a cooking show and the host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings.. What the hell is leftover beer?

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not my circus

Everytime you feel yourself getting pulled into other peoples drama, repeat these words: NOT MY CIRCUS~NOT MY MONKEYS!

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Still haven’t found

Bono from U2 is the voice of my cars GPS. It sucks. The streets have no name and I still haven’t found what I’m looking

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Still in paradise

If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would all still be in Paradise, as they would have eaten the fucking snake. 🐍🍏🐍

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Trying

Boy asks mum, “Is it bad to have a penis?” She says “No, why?” “Because, dad is upstairs, trying to pull his off.” 🍒🍓🍒

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Check

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday, so the UPS driver knocked on our door to see if everything was alright

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Only the…

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Anal Sex: The only time a man tries to convince you his dick really isn’t that big

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