@Nutty squirrel

Her: I wanna spice things up.
Him: You know I’m allergic to chili.
Her: I mean in the bedroom.
Him: I can’t eat it anywhere in the house, Karen.

@Jeep

People do some of the stupidest shit for sex, hell, one time I even got married.

@Jeep

*many years ago*

Liquor store cashier: do you need help?

Me: probably, but I decided to come here instead.

@Nutty squirrel

Things we should be learning from dogs:
1) Trust
2) Love
3) Loyalty
What we learned: Position

Fun for everybody

@TP

Sometimes I wish I was a tiger in the circus jumping through flaming rings of fire, but instead of flaming rings, they were onion rings, and instead of jumping through them, I would be eating them.

Rushing for Black tomato gin

I’ve never run a marathon…
But I have walked across a parking lot really fast because the liquor store was about to close.

@Nutty squirrel

Something fun to do:
Go to a yard sale and secretly place a dildo in there and hang around to watch people’s reactions.

@supernurse

They say, “revenge is sweet.”
They also say, “revenge is a dish best served cold.”

I’ve come to realize revenge is probably ice cream.

@Spoon

I think my bathroom mirror is defective.
Every morning it’s out of focus.