My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her.

I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

My wife is anti vaxx

Calls herself miss Doubt Pfizer

What do you call an Engineer who doesn’t know how to use a calculator?

A project manager.

Women never have to apologize, they just sleep naked and let the guy decide if he’s still mad or not…

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends and lovers before me.!

She always calls me her sixty second lover.!!

I Just got fired from Google

Because I yelled Yahoo! after completing my morning Sudoku at the office

How do you get an fat person in your bedroom?

Piece of cake

I’d be a terrible couple’s therapist. I’d be like, “have you tried anal?”

2 married ladies are having lunch in a coffee shop…

One lady whispers ‘I’m getting a boob job’

2nd lady: ‘That’s nothing, I’m getting my assh*le bleached’

1st lady says: ‘Really? I can’t imagine your husband as a blonde’

I went to a pet store today and put a large “CHAMELEON” sign in front of an empty cage.

Stand back and watch the fun.