Good idea

My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”

“Good idea,” I replied. “We can cover more ground that way.”

Painful

Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems fucking painful.

kill all the jokes

Three Russian generals walk into a bar.
No wait, two Russian generals walk into a bar.
….one?

Zero?

Ukrainian bartender: “Fucking snipers, they kill all the jokes.”

cheap flights

The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.
I said “looking for cheap flights.”She got very excited and said “I love you,” then got on her knees and gave me the best blow job I’ve ever had.
Which surprised me as she’s never been interested in darts before

tulips

my girlfriend says her pussy’s like a rose
But I think it looks more like tulips

@rey_lumen

“Have you ever taken it in the other hole?”
“No way, that would get me pregnant!”

My wife and I split up because of Psychological reasons….

She was Psycho, and I was Logical