@WoodyLoco

“No shit!” is what the doctor replied when I told him I was constipated.

@NuttySquirell

*creates alcohol brand and names it Yoga*
I used to be so sressed until I started yoga.

@reddit

Did you hear about the man who was raped by a sex robot in an aisle of Home Depot?

All he asked for was a machine screw

@JOKESTER

Today I shopped at a roadside stand that said lobster tails for $2
So I paid my bucks and the guy said “Once upon a time there was a lobster”…..

@jeep

God: Adam, Eve, you 2 are to love each other for ever.

Adam: OK, but who’s that dude over there?

God: oh, that’s Keith Richards, he was here when I got here.

@Nutty

Me: You are my drug.
Her: Aww, you can’t live without me?
Me: No, you cost too fucking much and ruin my life.

@Mo

By legalizing Cannabis and same sex marriage, we are finally interpreting the Bible correctly.

“A man who lays with another man, should be stoned.”

🌲🏵🌲

@Jeep

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, you better seek professional help.

@Kitty

Boss: I hope you didn’t think about work while you were on vacation.
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here.

@Bluezzzman

Interviewer: The only experience you put on your application is lifeguard. We looking for someone to sell insurance. Why should l hire you?
Me : l can’t swim.
Interviewer : You’re hired