@Jeep

People do some of the stupidest shit for sex, hell, one time I even got married.

@Jeep

*many years ago*

Liquor store cashier: do you need help?

Me: probably, but I decided to come here instead.

@Nutty squirrel

Things we should be learning from dogs:
1) Trust
2) Love
3) Loyalty
What we learned: Position

Fun for everybody

@TP

Sometimes I wish I was a tiger in the circus jumping through flaming rings of fire, but instead of flaming rings, they were onion rings, and instead of jumping through them, I would be eating them.

Rushing for Black tomato gin

I’ve never run a marathon…
But I have walked across a parking lot really fast because the liquor store was about to close.

@Nutty squirrel

Something fun to do:
Go to a yard sale and secretly place a dildo in there and hang around to watch people’s reactions.

@supernurse

They say, “revenge is sweet.”
They also say, “revenge is a dish best served cold.”

I’ve come to realize revenge is probably ice cream.

@Spoon

I think my bathroom mirror is defective.
Every morning it’s out of focus.

@Marvin

I went skydiving and this guy straps himself to me, we jump out of the plane and as we plummet, he says to me, “So, how long have you been an instructor?”