Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way for the neighbors to pay and build a privacy fence.

Every time I have to fold laundry I consider becoming a nudist.. Then I remember what I look like naked and I keep on folding.

G.F. :You treat our relationship like some kind of game. 😠 Me: this will cost you 12 points and a bonus round.

Watching a cooking show and the host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings.. What the hell is leftover beer?

Everytime you feel yourself getting pulled into other peoples drama, repeat these words: NOT MY CIRCUS~NOT MY MONKEYS!

Bono from U2 is the voice of my cars GPS. It sucks. The streets have no name and I still haven’t found what I’m looking

If Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would all still be in Paradise, as they would have eaten the fucking snake. 🐍🍏🐍

Boy asks mum, “Is it bad to have a penis?” She says “No, why?” “Because, dad is upstairs, trying to pull his off.” 🍒🍓🍒

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday, so the UPS driver knocked on our door to see if everything was alright

Fall in love with your problems, maybe they’ll leave you too.

Anal Sex: The only time a man tries to convince you his dick really isn’t that big