Jokes

A good one-liner does its whole job in a single breath. No setup you have to sit through, no five characters to keep track of, just a sentence that turns on you at the last word. Below are 50 of the best short jokes from our collection, sorted so you can find the kind you need. If you want more after this, the full one-liners category has well over a thousand of them.

Short and Sharp: One-Liners Built on Wordplay

1. I want to tell you about a girl who only ate plants. You have probably never heard of herbivore.

2. How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce? They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.

3. I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now. They are a non-prophet organization.

4. What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? A pouch potato.

5. Onion rings are vegetarian donuts.

6. Why would you eat a clock? There is no real good reason, it is just time consuming.

7. I told Sam not to sing on his phone. But Samsung anyway.

8. Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers? Under his bucking hat.

9. Where does a mansplainer get his water? From a well, actually.

10. My father is Cuban and my mother is from Iceland. So I am an Ice Cube.

One-Liners About Marriage and Dating

11. My girlfriend is like terms and conditions. I ignore everything she says and agree with her.

12. My wife discovered I was cheating after she found all those letters I had been hiding. She got really mad and said she is never going to play Scrabble with me again.

13. I do what the voices in my wife’s head tell me to do.

14. When my wife said she would be with me until I was old and gray, I did not realize she meant 37.

15. My wife has been missing for a week. The police called and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.

16. My girlfriend broke up with me for being too un-American. I saw it coming from a kilometre away.

17. A woman in labor suddenly shouted: Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t! Do not worry, said the doctor, those are just contractions.

18. Does your face hurt? Because it is killing me.

19. Success is relative. The more success, the more relatives you have.

Work, Tech and Money One-Liners

20. I got fired from the keyboard factory today. It seems I was not putting in enough shifts.

21. Our company did a password audit and found an employee using this password: VaderObiwanLukeBobafettGandalfFrodoGimliLegolasSacramento. When asked why it was so long, he rolled his eyes and said: Hello, it has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital.

22. I hired a specialist aviation lawyer to deal with a dispute I had with an airport baggage handler. He lost my case.

23. My taxi driver asked what I did for a living. I said web developer, and part time graphic designer. He said: I do not like working for anyone, I like to be my own boss. I said: that is cool, turn left after the signal.

24. A man is on a stretcher being prepped for surgery. The surgeon takes a deep breath and says: Okay David, this is a simple operation. The man says: My name is not David. The surgeon replies: No, it is mine.

25. I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia. I told them I could explain everything.

26. I was in a job interview. The man asked me to show him an example of leadership skills. Okay, I replied. I am hired.

27. We should not worry about our phones and TVs spying on us. Our vacuum cleaners have been gathering dirt on us for years.

28. I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store telephone numbers is doing nowadays.

29. It has been months since I bought the book How To Scam People Online. It still has not arrived.

Drinking, Food and Bad Decisions

30. Nothing like a nice cold beer after a nice cold beer.

31. Tequila: a liquid that will not change your life, but it is worth a shot.

32. I lost my pizza cutter so I used my Bryan Adams CD. Cuts like a knife.

33. I have opened a restaurant called Karma. There is no menu, you get what you deserve.

34. Going 20 years sober on January 5th. It will be 20 years since I last had a drink on the 5th of January. I drink on all the other days.

35. This year my New Year resolution is to finally go to the gym, and cancel that membership I have been wasting money on every month since last year.

36. I exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.

37. What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on New Year’s Eve? He got 12 months.

38. Two men are robbing a liquor store. One says: Is this whisky? Yes, the other replies, but not as whisky as wobbing a bank.

39. Right, enough of these 2020 vision jokes. I do not want to make a spectacle of myself.

Dark, Weird and Wonderfully Stupid

40. I went to the acupuncturist the other day. When I got home my voodoo doll was dead.

41. What is James Bond’s code name when he is abroad? +4407.

42. Police: Who ordered all these pizzas? Me: You said I had one phone call.

43. I am really not worried about anti-vaxxers. It is a dying movement.

44. Spoiler alert: in Matrix 4, Neo is so old that he does not hesitate to choose the blue pill.

45. Two aliens are flying near Earth. The first says: The dominant life form here has developed satellite based nuclear weapons. The second says: Are they an emerging intelligence? The first says: I do not think so, they have it aimed at themselves.

46. People still think there are vampires in Romania. But I have not seen one since 1645.

47. I got kicked out of a hospital after saying to a Covid patient: stay positive.

48. I have been nominated for a 25 pushups a day for 25 days challenge. I blocked that person.

49. I have not showered since last decade. What do you mean it is not 2020 yet?

50. Every year I tune into Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve thinking this will be the year it is worth watching. But they always drop the ball.

Where to Find More

These 50 are a small slice of what is here. If you want the short stuff, keep going in one-liners. If you want something with a bit more setup, try bar jokes, marriage jokes or work jokes. And if you are in the mood for something less polite, the dirty jokes section is waiting, though it is strictly for adults.

New jokes go up all the time, so bookmark the page and come back when you need a fresh one.

I’m not really a fan of purple, unless it’s…Deep Purple 💜 🚬💧

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