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@Jeep

I’m never really sure if I have free time, or if I’m just forgetting all the shit I’m supposed to be doing.

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@Funny face

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis…..LADDER! I mean ladder!!

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@Jeep

Don’t hate me because I’m handsome, stick around, I’ll give you plenty of other legitimate reasons.

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@Mo

The “Skip intro” button on Netflix is so cool….

…. I wish Tinder had it too.

🍓🍒🍎

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@Waka waka

Friend: Treat her like you’d treat your mother

*later on date*

Me: Can I have $10

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@Jeep

I found out today that a stress ball isn’t for throwing at coworkers who stress you out… Who knew…

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@Jeep

Some women don’t like to walk in the rain because it puts their face back to the factory setting.

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@Nutty squirrel

At a recent job interview, I was asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said I didn’t know all the words, but I was pretty good at Bohemian Rhapsody.

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@Nutty squirrel

Always keep a bottle of Crown Royal in the cabinet for special occasions.
Sometimes that special occasion is that you have a bottle of Crown Royal in the cabinet.

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@Funny face

A man walks into the library and asks the librarian.. ”where can I find a book on female orgasms??” She leads him to shelf G….. “there sir, that’s the spot”