You know those movies when the guy pushes stuff off the table, thrusts a girl on it, and fucks her?
I just did that, but with a pizza..

Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.

On our first date. Her: I really like men who plan ahead.
Me: That’s why I drank 2 litres of pineapple juice today.

I’m devastated. I just had a look at my doctor’s notes and he’s written that after my accident, I’ll never be able to wank again.
Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole “doctors have bad handwriting” cliche. It’s meant to say walk. What a relief!

Friends are like boobs
some are real some are fake

Give a man a fish, you’ll feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, and you can sleep with his wife while he’s fishing.

Sex is like golf,
Playing every hole is the goal.

I beat my wife at dominos the other night.
She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.