Unexpectedly early

So the other day my wife unexpectedly came home early from work and asked me if I wanted to play Monopoly with her. I agreed but while we were playing, I caught her cheating. I called her out on it and she just shrugged and said, “if you’re not cheating, you’re not trying!” That’s when her sister burst out of the closet and said to my wife, “thank God you’re cool with it, I thought I was going to be stuck in there for hours!”

not fair

Alcohol manufacturers are killing their best customers.

No Porn Hub, I don’t want to play online poker
I’m at work

Motivation

Wish me luck. I’m doing the London Marathon again this year.
Last year I managed only 3 hours and 20 mins…
before I got bored and switched to a different channel.

Pull ups

I’ve done a hundred pull ups today…..

This new belt is a crap!

@Barry

I told my mother that Internet Explorer ended support recently.

She said, “So does that mean nobody can use the internet now?”

We’ll never know

My wife and I were walking in Rome. The was a lone old guy at the other side of the street. My wife said, “He looks like the Pope in civilian clothes. Go and ask!”
So I crossed the road and asked the old man if he was indeed the Pope.
He said, “F**k off.”
I went back to my wife who eagerly asked, “Well? Tell me, is he the Pope?”
I said, “He told me to f**k off.”
“Oh no,” said my wife, “Now we’ll never know.”

Excuse

My friend came pissed off at me, saying that it had not even been two days since he broke up and I already had sex with his ex girlfriend
I said: Sorry dude, I didn’t know you guys had broken up!!