A man walks into a bar. It is the oldest setup in comedy, and somehow it still works every time, whether the man is a snake, a pirate or a chemist with a dangerous sense of humour. This page collects 88 walks into a bar jokes and other pub classics, hand-picked from TheFun.Net’s bar jokes category and a few of our best drinking jokes. Bartenders, hangovers and pub philosophy are all here, and everything is clean enough to tell at the bar itself. If you need to explain where you have been all night, try our husband and wife jokes.
Jump to: A Man Walks Into a Bar · Bartender Jokes · Drinking Jokes · Hangover Jokes · Pub Wisdom · Getting Home
A Man Walks Into a Bar: The Classic Walks Into a Bar Jokes
1. A snake walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “How did you do that?”
2. Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples. “Thirteen glasses of water, please,” he says to the barman, winking at the others.
3. A man walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says, “Hey, you’re a handsome fellow.” He tries to ignore it and orders a pilsner. “Ooh, a pilsner, great choice,” says the bowl. “You’re a smart man.” Starting to panic, he says to the bartender, “This bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!” The bartender says, “Don’t worry about it. The pretzels are complimentary.”
4. A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his hat. The bartender asks, “Why the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr, there be a Bounty on me head.”
5. Jesus walks into a bar, hands the barman a few nails and says, “Can you put me up for the night?”
6. Pavlov is sitting in a bar when the bell rings. He jumps up and says, “Oh no, I forgot to feed the dogs!”
7. A chemist walks into a bar and orders a PbJ sandwich. He dies of lead poisoning.
8. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do all three of you want a beer?” The first says, “I don’t know.” The second says, “I don’t know.” The third says, “Yes.”
9. Two chemists walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “What can I get you?” The first chemist says, “I’d like some H2O.” The second chemist says, “I’d like some H2… wait, we’re not at work, why did you say it like that? I’ll just have water too, please.” The first chemist mutters to himself, “Drat! My assassination plot failed.”
10. A man in a clown costume walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the costume?” The man says, “It’s my work uniform. A wealthy nobleman pays me to wear it all day because he finds it entertaining.” The bartender scoffs: “Surely you jest.”
11. A Catholic, a Muslim and a Jew walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
12. A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?” The man says, “I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man.” The bartender puffs himself up and says, “If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife, I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself. I’d go round there and punch his lights out.” “That’s a great idea! Thanks!” says the man, and runs out of the bar. A couple of hours later he walks back in with a big smile on his face. “Well? Did you punch the guy?” asks the bartender nervously. “Nope. I slept with your wife. Whisky, please.”
13. A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. “That’ll be five dollars,” says the bartender, and the man throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Grudgingly, the bartender picks them up and serves him. The next day, the same thing. And the next. On the fourth day the man hands over a $10 note. The bartender sees his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and says, “There’s your change, pal!” The man looks at the coins and says, “I’ll have another beer, please.”
14. A boy is born with no body, just a head. On his 18th birthday his dad takes him to the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and, BOOM, a body pops out. “Another sip!” everyone shouts, and BOOM, out come his arms. One more sip and out pop his legs. Overjoyed, the boy runs outside and is hit by a lorry. “What a shame,” says his dad. “He should have quit while he was ahead.”
15. An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness and drinks a sip from each in turn. The bartender says, “They’d stay fresher if you bought them one at a time.” The man explains, “I have two brothers, one in America and one in Australia. We promised we’d always drink this way, in memory of the days we drank together.” He becomes a regular, always ordering three. Then one day he orders only two, and a hush falls over the bar. The bartender says gently, “Please accept my condolences.” “Oh no, everyone’s fine,” says the Irishman. “I’ve just joined the Mormon church and had to stop drinking.”
16. An American, an Irishman and a Dutchman walk into a pub after a day at a German beer festival. The American orders a Budweiser, “the best beer in the world.” The Dutchman orders a Heineken, “the only beer in the world.” The Irishman says, “Oh, I’ll just have a glass of water, like these girls are having.”
17. At a bar, my friend made an amazing pool shot. I asked how he did it. He said, “When I’m about to take a shot, it’s like magic: I can just see the line.” Then he hit a bullseye with his first dart. “Same thing,” he said. “I can just see the line.” Later a scuffle broke out, and he swung a punch and missed by a mile. I asked what happened. He said, “There was no punch line.”
Bartender Jokes and Barroom Tales
18. A man walks into a restaurant bar and asks, “How much for a beer?” The bartender says, “Free.” Amazed, he asks, “And how much for a sirloin steak with mash, salad and a whole cheesecake?” “Free,” says the bartender. After a fantastic meal the man says, “I’d love to meet the owner of this place.” The bartender says, “He’s upstairs in his office with my wife.” “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” “The same thing I’m doing to his business.”
19. A well-dressed but very drunk man stumbles into a bar and shouts, “Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!” Everyone cheers and drinks, then the man shrugs and says he forgot his wallet. The bartender throws him out. The next night, he’s back with the same order. “He must have come to pay,” thinks the bartender. He hasn’t, and out he goes again. The third night, the man walks in and shouts, “Bartender! A drink for everyone, and a drink for me!” The bartender grins sarcastically: “What, no drink for me tonight?” The man says, “No way. You get far too violent when you drink.”
20. A man is dining alone in a fancy restaurant, sneaking glances at a beautiful redhead at the next table. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye flies out of its socket towards him. He catches it in mid-air and hands it back. “I’m so sorry,” she says, popping it back in. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.” They have a wonderful meal, then go to the theatre and on to drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she listens. The next morning she cooks him a gourmet breakfast. “You’re the perfect woman,” he says. “Are you this nice to every man you meet?” “No,” she replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”
21. After waiting an hour, the tourist finally caught the waiter’s eye. “I want a bottle of your best wine,” he said. “What year?” asked the waiter. “Right now!”
22. A man says to the waiter, “I’d like to buy that lovely blonde at the bar a drink. What’s she having?” “Sir, the lady is drinking an exquisite 36-year-old single malt.” “Oh! Then add two ice cubes from me.”
23. A very attractive young woman came up to me today and asked me to get her a drink. Then I remembered: I was working behind the bar.
24. OMG guys, you won’t believe this, but James Bond just came into the bar where I work and ordered a drink. I’m literally shaking right now.
25. A ventriloquist is performing at a local bar with his dummy on his knee. “How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?” he begins. A blonde woman in the audience jumps up, furious: “How dare you stereotype us based on our hair colour!” The ventriloquist apologises profusely. “Not you!” she snaps. “I’m talking to the little guy on your knee!”
26. I asked an old regular at the bar, “What’s the best beer here?” He said, “The third one.”
27. My mates call me stingy, so I decided to buy them a beer. Turns out they wanted one each.
28. Two friends, both very drunk, head back to one of their houses for a last drink. “Keep it down, don’t wake my wife,” whispers the owner, and goes to the kitchen for beers. Meanwhile his friend peeks into the bedroom and sees the wife in bed with another man. When the owner comes back, the friend hisses, “There’s another man in the bedroom with your wife!” “Shh! Keep your voice down. I’ve only got two beers!”
29. A woman was chatting me up at the pub. “So, what do you do for a living?” she asked, batting her eyelids over her glass. “I’m a boxer,” I said proudly. “Oh, lovely!” she winked. “I like real men.” Funny how impressed she was that I pack boxes for Amazon.
30. Pekka, a lumberjack from a small cabin in the Finnish forest, is at a party in a tall Helsinki apartment block. After a few bottles of his own moonshine, he asks the hostess for the toilet. “Go out into the hall, second door on the right, and careful, there are three steps down,” she says. Pekka thanks her and wanders off the other way, opens a door, steps through and falls 17 metres down an empty lift shaft. He picks himself up, dusts off his shirt and says, “Forget it. I’ll go here. I can’t be bothered with two more steps like that!”
31. A man catches a leprechaun, who offers him three wishes in exchange for his freedom. “For my first wish, I’d like a pint of Guinness that never runs out,” says the man. The leprechaun wiggles his fingers and a pint appears. The man drinks it, and it refills. He drinks it again, and it refills again. “I haven’t got all day,” says the leprechaun. “What are your other two wishes?” The man thinks for a moment and says, “Ah, go on then, I’ll have two more of these.”
32. Old Leonard was being buried, and as the coffin went down, a friend tossed a handful of coins into the grave. Afterwards the priest asked what that was about. “It’s so he can get a few beers when he arrives,” said the friend. “But there’s no beer where he’s going,” said the priest. “Well then, Leonard won’t be staying there long.”
Drinking Jokes About Beer, Wine and Whisky
33. Two whisky drinkers in a bar.
“I only drink whisky on great occasions.”
“And what do you call a great occasion?”
“Any occasion when I’m drinking whisky.”
34. “I’m going to pay for this in the morning,” I slurred, after downing a whole bottle of whisky in the shop. “No, you’re not,” said the shopkeeper.
35. And the Lord said, “Let there be light!” And beer has never been the same since.
36. I opened a new bottle of wine today and let it breathe. It didn’t look like it was breathing, so I gave it mouth to mouth.
37. I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes, actually. OK, all grapes. Fermented grapes. I’m having wine for dinner.
38. My mate asked me, “How much do you usually spend on a bottle of wine?” I said, “Ooh, about fifteen minutes.”
39. I like my coffee like I like my women: full of alcohol.
40. Why shouldn’t you carry too many bottles of Jack Daniel’s at once? It’s pretty whisky. You might drop one.
41. I drank so much tequila last night that I woke up speaking Spanish.
42. You told me they were laughing with me. Well played, tequila. Well played.
43. I was watching a cooking show and the host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings. What on earth is leftover beer?
44. I always knew you’d hurt me. I knew you’d break my heart and just walk away. Who steals someone’s beer?!
45. A moment of silence, please, for the beer I forgot about in the freezer.
46. New scientific research shows that every beer takes nine minutes off your life. According to my calculations, I died some time in September 1845.
47. Two nuns are shopping when they pass the beer fridge. “Wouldn’t a cold beer be wonderful on a hot summer evening?” says one. “It would, Sister, but buying beer would cause a scene at the till.” “Leave it to me,” says the first nun, and picks up a six-pack. At the checkout the cashier looks surprised. “We use beer for washing our hair,” the nun explains. “A sort of shampoo.” Without blinking, the cashier reaches under the counter, puts a packet of pretzel sticks in the bag, looks her straight in the eye and says, “The curlers are on the house.”
48. A man has died after breaking into a brewery and falling into a vat of beer. Police are treating the death as suspicious, because the CCTV shows him climbing out three times to go to the toilet.
Hangover Jokes and the Morning After
49. I don’t even call it a hangover any more. It’s just morning.
50. My goal is to lose this hangover, so I can earn another one.
51. There are two ways to avoid a hangover: 1. Don’t drink. 2. Don’t stop.
52. I have to stop living every day like it’s my last. The hangovers are killing me.
53. If you get drunk and don’t regret anything the next day, you’re doing it wrong.
54. I’m sorry for getting so drunk on your birthday that people thought it was mine.
55. Last night I was drunk and told myself I needed to stop drinking. The next day I went to the fridge and grabbed a beer. I’m not going to take advice from a drunk talking to himself.
56. I didn’t drink for a week and got a text from my liver: “Hey there! You still alive?”
57. During a random test at work I was asked, “Have you consumed alcohol in the past 24 hours?” Looking back, “What day is it?” probably wasn’t the best answer.
58. Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose a shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
59. Primary school: “He told me to!”
Secondary school: “It was a dare!”
Sixth form: “I was drunk.”
60. I only drink on days that start with a T. Today and Tomorrow.
61. I love solving integer sets when I’m drunk. Some call me a functioning alcoholic.
Pub Wisdom: Bar Jokes and Drinking Philosophy
62. There is no problem that the proper application of alcohol can’t solve.
63. Have you heard about the device that converts thoughts directly into speech? It’s called alcohol.
64. Alcohol isn’t the answer. It just makes you forget the question.
65. Alcohol: giving you the ambition to do anything, while taking away your ability to do it.
66. I never plan on drinking as much as I do. Which is why I no longer make plans.
67. Funny how eight glasses of water a day seems impossible, but eight cans of beer a day seems necessary.
68. People who complain about Mondays clearly don’t start drinking early enough.
69. It’s that time of the evening when my beer bottle magically turns into a microphone again.
70. I just called in sick because I have a cold. A cold case of beer in my fridge.
71. For years I knew I had a drinking problem, and I tried and tried to get out of it. Finally, I did it. I became a different person. Unfortunately, that person drinks too.
72. I’m giving up drinking for a year. Whoops, that came out wrong. I’m giving up, drinking for a year.
73. I drink beer because I’m too lazy to walk. They say you should do 10,000 steps a day. AA only requires 12.
74. I don’t have the blood alcohol content to deal with you right now.
75. “Do you have any idea of the long-term damage alcohol is doing to your liver?” the doctor asked. “Nice try, Doc,” I replied. “You always try this one when it’s your round.”
76. The government is sneaky. They raise the tax on alcohol, then make sure the country is in such a mess that you have to drink more.
77. Step aside, coffee. This is a job for alcohol.
Drinking Jokes About Getting Home: Wives, Police and Other Problems
78. Me: Is there a problem, officer?
Cop: I noticed your vehicle swerving a lot.
Me: I’ve had eight beers, officer.
Cop: That’s no excuse to let your wife drive.
79. I got home from the pub at about midnight on Sunday. My wife was sitting in the armchair in the dark, crying her eyes out. I could see some heartless so-and-so had upset her, but I knew it wasn’t me. I hadn’t been home since Thursday.
80. “My wife suffers from a drinking problem.” “Is she an alcoholic?” “No, I am. But she’s the one who suffers.”
81. Kid: Daddy, why did you and Mummy get divorced?
Dad: Well, your mother couldn’t keep me drunk forever.
82. I’m not an alcoholic. I just like having an attractive wife.
83. Isn’t it funny? You stop drinking because you want to settle down and have kids. Then you have the little darlings, and all you want to do is drink.
84. His girlfriend left him a note on the fridge: “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mother’s.” He opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold. “What on earth is she talking about?”
85. “Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me,” said the man. “She got me to stop drinking, smoking and staying out all night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking and classical music, even how to invest.” “Sounds like you’re bitter that she changed you so much,” said his friend. “I’m not bitter. It’s just that now I’m so improved, she isn’t good enough for me.”
86. A scruffy homeless woman asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this, will you spend it on wine instead of dinner?” “No, I stopped drinking years ago,” she said. “Will you spend it on shopping?” “No, I don’t waste time shopping.” “On a beauty salon?” “Are you mad? I haven’t had my hair done in twenty years!” “Well,” I said, “I’m not giving you the money. Instead, I’m taking you out to dinner with my husband tonight.” “Won’t your husband be furious? I know I’m dirty and probably smell awful.” “That’s fine,” I said. “It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.”
87. I took my son out for his first pint today. I got him a lager; he didn’t like it, so I drank it. Then a bitter; he didn’t like that either, so I drank it. Same with the Guinness and the cider. By the time we got to the whisky, I could hardly push the pram.
88. Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No, occifer.
Cop: Step out of the car and say the alphabet backwards, please.
Me: ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA.
Cop: Impressive. I couldn’t do that sober.
Me: Me neither.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the best walks into a bar joke?
It depends on the crowd. For a quick laugh, the pirate with a paper towel on his hat is hard to beat. With a scientific crowd, try the chemists ordering H2O. And if you have time for a longer story, the Irishman who orders three pints at once has been a pub favourite for decades.
Why do so many jokes start with someone walking into a bar?
A bar is the perfect stage. Everyone knows what happens there, there is always a bartender to play the straight man, and anyone can walk in, from a chemist to a snake. The familiar setup means the audience relaxes immediately, so the punchline has more room to surprise them.
Are these bar jokes clean?
Yes. There is plenty of drinking on this page but nothing explicit and no swearing, so they are fine for a work party, a best man’s speech or a quiz night. Naturally, please enjoy the jokes more responsibly than most of the characters in them.
Can I use these jokes in a speech or a toast?
Of course. A short bar joke makes a good opener for a toast, a retirement speech or a pub quiz. Pick one that suits the room, keep it short, and deliver the punchline before anyone gets to the bottom of their glass. TheFun.Net has been collecting jokes since 2008 and adds new ones every week.
Where to Find More
Last orders? Not quite. The full bar jokes category has plenty more to keep you going. If the hangover jokes hit a little close to home, the husband and wife jokes will explain what happens when you get home, the office jokes cover the morning after at work, and the 50 best one-liners are perfect for a round at the bar. For a quick fix, there are always our 300 short jokes and one-liners. We add new jokes every week, so come back for another round.