Weatherman are like that over aggressive guy at the bar…
…always telling us how many inches we are going to get and always failing to deliver.
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
What is Henry Cavill’s least favourite game?
PortalEdit: Thanks for the coin, kind redditor!
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually
I told Sam not to sing on his phone…
But Samsung anyway :/
Two fish are in a tank
One fish says to the other and says, “How the fuck do you drive this?”
Why did the condom fly across the room??
It got pissed off!
I want to tell you about a girl who only ate plants…
You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux!
I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now
they are a non-prophet organization
From my 92 year old uncle. “Times have changes so much, back in my day it was still perfectly fine to say black paint”.
Nowdays you are supposed to say “Would you please paint the fence Jamal”.
What has four letters, sometimes has nine, but never has five?
Woops meant to use a period.
My grandma said that we people are too much reliant on technology.
I called her a hypocrite and unplugged her life support.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ catholic
I threw a boomerang a few years ago.
I now live in constant fear.
My friend asked me what the name of that famous ice cube movie was.
I replied, “Titanic?”.
What’s the difference between a lightsaber and pants with insults written on them?
One is disarming, the other is diss leggings.
Why does Tinkerbell never wear trousers?
She Peter Pans.
The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.
I said, “no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them.”
My three favorite things are…
Eating my family and not using commas.
My wife and I are into S & M
She sleeps and I masturbate.
JOKESTER
What if they’re not stars, but holes poked in a jar lid so we can breathe…
JOKESTER
I’m so old, I can go through a whole day without taking a picture.
If you go in for surgery now the anesthesiologist will offer to knock you out with gas or hit you over the head with a boat paddle.
It’s an ether/oar situation(Ether is the name of the gas used)
Genders are just like the twin towers…
There used to be two, but now its a sensitive subject.
A serial killer takes a victim into the forest. It’s dark out.
Victim: I’m scared…Killer: You’re scared, I have to walk out of here alone.
Knock knock
Who’s there?YuraYura who?Yura great person and i hope you have a great 2020.
[XB1}[D2} LF2M Last Wish Morgeth checkpoint and egg
At Morgeth with egg wish in place.GT: crepeau
I took a dump in the bushes because the only toilet available was charging $0.10 to enter
I ain’t paying for that shit
Why was 10 crying?
He was right in the middle of 9/11