I got my fired my first day as a coin flip referee in the NFL.
I couldn’t make heads or tails of anything.
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
How did Jesus stay so ripped?
Pontius Pilates and CrossFit
Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?
His name is Tim
Why would you eat a clock?
There’s no real good reason, it’s just time consuming.
WHERE DOES A PIRATE KEEP HIS BUCCANEERS.
under his bucking hat
One day, not too far off, Florida will be an entirely Blue state.
With the sea level rising, it’ll be underwater.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions
Every year I tune into ‘Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years Eve’ thinking this will be the year it’s worth watching.
But they always drop the ball.
I’ve opened up a restaurant called “Karma”
There is no menu, you get what you deserve.
We shouldn’t worry about our phones and TVs spying on us.
However, our vacuum cleaners have been gathering dirt on us for years now.
JOKESTER
Get you a girl who doesn’t have a wrong hole.
What happened to the man who shoplifted a calendar on new years eve?
He got 12 months!
A knock knock joke for automotive savvy people
Knock knock.Who’s there?Sensor.Sensor who?P0325
Going 20 years sober on January 5th!
It will be 20 years since I last had a drink on the 5th of January. I drink on all of the other days.
What did the vampire say after drinking the donkey’s blood?
Tastes like ass.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Right enough of these “2020 vision” jokes
I don’t want to make a spectacle of myself
I haven’t showered since last decade.
What do you mean it’s not 2020 yet?
The average person has sex 54 times a year…
Tomorrow is gonna be wild!
No pair of balls are identical.
In fact, there are vas deferenses between the two.
Does your face hurt?
Because its killing me
Need help
Ok, so this isn’t about the game but I need r/HollowKnight icon.
This year, my New Years resolution is to finally go to the gym…
… and cancel that membership I’m been wasting money on every month since last year.
Weatherman are like that over aggressive guy at the bar…
…always telling us how many inches we are going to get and always failing to deliver.
What is Henry Cavill’s least favourite game?
PortalEdit: Thanks for the coin, kind redditor!
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually
I told Sam not to sing on his phone…
But Samsung anyway :/
Two fish are in a tank
One fish says to the other and says, “How the fuck do you drive this?”
Why did the condom fly across the room??
It got pissed off!