How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
Why you can’t fart inside an Apple store
They don’t have Windows.
If you work as a security guard in a Samsung store…
… Does this makes you a “Gardian of the Galaxy”?
Why did the one legged man get a prosthetic leg for Christmas?
It was a stocking stuffer.
I for one…
Love Roman numerals
What does Frosty The Snowman have that Mrs. Frosty doesn’t?
Snowballs(Merry Xmas)
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring…
Because the carbon monoxide detector failed.Merry Christmas Reddit!
What does being a fundamentalist Christian and the game Snake have in common?
You can’t touch yourself.
What do the Pope and a Christmas Tree have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.
I entered myself in a Most Beautiful Boner contest.
The competition was pretty stiff.
Why did dyslexic Karen go to the Christmas nativity?
To see the manger.
Why does Santa never have to pay for parking his sleigh?
Because it’s always on the house!
Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer has a little known brother.
Randolf the brown nosed reindeer,he can run as fast as Rudolf, he just can’t stop as quick.
My 17 year old brother told me this joke.
Why wasn’t Jesus born in the USA?…God couldn’t find a virgin and 3 wise men.
Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.
The other letters were not-E.
Why is Santa Claus always so jolly?
He knows where all the bad girls live.
People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn’t believe me when I tell them I got it done in Madrid.
Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.
Why did the trans man only eat salad?
Because he was a HERbefore.
Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.My mom: USE A FUCKING COASTER
What’s the difference between a gross bus station and a lobster with big boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and one is a busty crustacean.
Reporter to the world’s first trillionaire: “Sir, what are you going to do with all that money?”.
“I can buy a chicken and some bread now!”, says Abou, while walking out of his bank in Zimbabwe
Which Witcher character knows the answers to all quiz questions?
Geralt of Trivia
I remember as a child, lying in bed waiting for Santa to come…
Then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He’s a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock…
Who’s there?Cows go.Cows go who?No idiot… Cows go moo!
Last night i used Vaseline with my wife and came 10 times
Once with her and 9 in the shower trying to wash it off
I gave my daughter a watch for Christmas. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, “That’s a pretty watch you’ve got there! Does it tell you the time?”
She laughed and said, “No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!”
Why don’t Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
A man wanders back home at 3:00 am.
His wife: You are late.You said you would be home by 11:45 pm.Man:(Casually) I said i would be home by a quarter of 12.
Teacher: “Class, today we are going to Bangladesh.”
Kid named Ladesh: wha…
Im giving up drinking for a year
Whoops, that came out wrongIm giving up, drinking for a year.