A man walks into a bar. You already know this is going to be good. Our bar jokes collection is packed with classic pub humor, bartender gags and drinking jokes that get funnier with every round. Grab a stool, order something strong, and scroll through the funniest bar jokes on the internet.
…I tried hard and I tried long to get out of it.Finally, after countless attempts, I made it!I became a different person.But… turned out…that person’s… Read More »For years I knew that I have a drinking problem…
…and sees Bob sitting at the bar, grinning from ear to ear.Dave goes up to Bob and says, “Oy, Bob, what you grinning about there?”… Read More »Dave walks into his local pub…
Because Budweiser
Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying.”What’s wrong?” man asks.”Never been kissed before” girl says.Man kisses her and she… Read More »Not for the easily offended, very politically incorrect joke.
I’ve tried several varieties of kratom. My favorite is green maeng da, which gives me a nice euphoria and calm feeling, excellent for anxiety without… Read More »Green Dragon Kicking My Ass
Some call me a functioning alcoholic.
He then orders three more . The bartender says, “You know,they’d be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time.”… Read More »An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a sip from next, until they are gone.
Hands the barman some nails and says, “can you put me up for the night?”
It’s pretty whiskey; you might drop one.My 8 year old daughter came up with this one, I’ve been helping her tune it. How did we… Read More »Why shouldn’t you carry too many bottles of Jack Daniels?
Life on Mars confirmed.
And the bartender says, “what can I get you?”
Man 1 starts to kiss man 2Man 3: “dude you can’t do that here”Man 2: “why not, it’s 2019 dude”Man 3: “not for long…”
An American, an Irishman and a Dutchman are spending the day at a beer festival I Germany. After a long day, they end up at… Read More »Just water for me, please
I have a 9 panel urine test on December 29From August to November 10 I smoked from my pen almost dailyFrom November 11 to November… Read More »Will I likely pass this drug test because I take vyvanse for ADHD and the laws in Texas are stupid?
No, wait, that’s “Bacon” in Jamaican.
..and when I asked her name she replied it was Carmen, “because I like cars and men” …”and what’s your name”? she asked me.. Beer… Read More »I was chatting to a stunningly attractive woman
He dies of lead poisoning.
The bartender asks them: “Do all three of you want beer?”The first one said: “I don’t know.”The second also said: “I don’t know.”The third one… Read More »Three logicians enter a bar
None. Both are fucking close to water.
I’ve decided to stop referring to my moods as manic or depressive. From now on they will be called beast mode and cocoon mode.I also… Read More »I’m rebranding my moods
The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.After a few drinks,… Read More »C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
Near the end of the night, after he had a few too many, he pukes all over his shirt. He’s yells out “oh fuck, not… Read More »So there’s this guy drinking at a bar, getting absolutely shit faced
As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and… Read More »4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip…
New scientific evidence has come to light that one beer takes nine minutes off your life. According to my calculations, I died sometime in September… Read More »New scientific evidence has come to light that one beer takes…
Alcohol: Post it, it’s fuckin hilarious. Sobriety: WTF?…I’m never drinking again.
The wife rang me at the pub giggling, “The kids are at mums, I’ve got a bottle of Chardonnay, and I’m in my sexy new… Read More »JOKESTER
“Can I have a double Jack and coke please?” I slurred. “Don’t you think you’ve had enough, sir?” He replied. “What? Listen dickhead, I could… Read More »Enough
This girl was chatting me up at the pub. “So, what do you do for a living?” she asked, batting her eyelids over her glass.”… Read More »Boxer
“I’m going to pay for this in the morning,” I slurred after downing a bottle of whiskey. “No you’re not,” said the shop keeper.
Isn’t it funny, you stop drinking cause you want to settle down and have kids. Then you have the little fuckers and all you want… Read More »Irony