Alive?
I didn’t have alcohol for a week and got a text from my Liver, “Hey there! You still alive?”
Bar Jokes
A man walks into a bar. You already know this is going to be good. Our bar jokes collection is packed with classic pub humor, bartender gags and drinking jokes that get funnier with every round. Grab a stool, order something strong, and scroll through the funniest bar jokes on the internet.
Wrong number
“I love you,” I slurred as I phoned my wife from the pub.
“I love you too,” came the reply.Read More »Wrong number
Roulette
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette.
Beer VS. Women
A Beer is always wet, a woman is not….1 point for beer! Beer is horrible, when it is hot….1 point for women! A cold beer… Read More »Beer VS. Women
I was…
Elementary School; “He told me to!” Middle School; “It was a dare!” High School; “I was drunk.”
Good enough
“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours… Read More »Good enough
Remember
life is not a fairy tale. if you lose a shoe at midnight, you are drunk.
Tricked
You said they were laughing with me… -well played tequila….well played 😒
Dinners
My psychologist: Mhmm. Been drinking heavier than usual? Me: Mmm. Uhh. No, not really. Just the occasional glass of wine with dinner. My psychologist: Uh… Read More »Dinners
Wine is like a laxative for feelings
wine is like a laxative for feelings
More than..
I’m going to a gay bar tonight. I’m not gay. I just wanna be in a bar where I can boast that I have fucked… Read More »More than..
Water
Jesus walks into a bar with his disciples. “Thirteen glasses of water, please,” Jesus said to the barman, winking at the others.
yesterday
I was telling a girl in the bar about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling their… Read More »yesterday
working
His girlfriend left him a note on the fridge. “It’s not working, I can’t take it anymore. I’m going to my Mother’s house.” He opened… Read More »working
excuses
Having some alcohol- every woman’s excuse for wanting to get laid. Having a penis- every man’s excuse for wanting to get laid.
selfies
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of… Read More »selfies
birthday
I’m sorry for getting so drunk on your birthday that people thought it was my birthday.
great moments
Two whiskey drinkers in a bar. “I only drink whiskey at great moments.” “And what do you call great moments?” “The moments when I drink… Read More »great moments
disappointed
Someone just used my driveway to turn around. Now I’m standing outside with two open beers and a lonley face.
glasses
The doctor said I needed glasses.. I assume he meant glasses of alcohol because I feel so much better now.
One day a young boy is going into the kitchen to get some cookies.
One day a young boy is going into the kitchen to get some cookies. In the kitchen he runs into his grandpa who is drinking some whiskey. He asks “What’s that grandpa, can I have some?”
In response grandpa asks “I don’t know, can you touch your dick to your asshole?”
Taken aback the boy says “no” “Well when you can touch your dick to your asshole, come back here and I’ll share my whiskey with you.” Slightly offended Read More »One day a young boy is going into the kitchen to get some cookies.
application
There’s no problem that the proper application of alcohol can’t solve.
A little boy was lost in a large mall.
A little boy was lost in a large mall. He approached a policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!” The cop asked, “What’s he like?”… Read More »A little boy was lost in a large mall.
virus
A highly dangerous virus called “Weekly Overload Recreational Killer” (WORK) is currently going around. If you come in contact with this WORK virus you should… Read More »virus
never
I’ll never forget the day I got married. I’ve tried everything: drugs, alcohol, even hypnosis.
unless
They say drugs and alcohol isn’t the answer. Unless they ask”What’s the secret to a happy marriage?”
whales
I was in a bar the other night and I overheard a couple of overweight women talking to each other near me. Their accent appeared… Read More »whales
moment
A moment of silence for the beer that I forgot about in the freezer.
while
Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything… …while simultaneously taking away your ability to do so.
without
I love watching women’s Curling during the Olympics. It’s the only time I can drink beer while cheering on a woman sweeping a broom…without getting… Read More »without