What did Hillary say today while sipping her tea?
Mmmm. Peach mint.
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
Hey is your dad in prison?
Cause if I was your dad I’d sure be in prison
The “ladies and gentlemen, we got em” meme is one of the best of the decade
Change my state of mind
Why do archaeologists always drink beer?
Their careers are in ruins!
Did you hear about the part-time chemist?
He only worked periodically
Do you want to know why the republicans won’t impeach Trump?
Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.
Of course the Republican-led Senate won’t convict Trump.
They insist on carrying a baby to full term.
How to retire at the age of 18.
Get a job at a tire shop.
I took a lie detector test
When I said my second name the detector exploded.
RIP Usain Bolt
Usain Bolt has been struck by lightning. It comes as a huge shock to not only himself, but also his family and friends!
Urainas
Theres a wall of planets in my school so every time we all past i shout YOUR ANUS IS ON THE WALL
Did you hear about the gay sewage worker?
He doesn’t mind a squirter.
Flat earthers used to think that the earth was round
But since then they’ve really ironed out their theory
A burglar stole all of my lamps.
I should be upset, But right now I’m delighted.
Yo mama’s so fat
I took me all four fingers to swipe left in tinder.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand by itself?
It was two tired
Why don’t Americans switch from pounds to killograms all at once?
Because it will cause mass confusion
your slogan says “when you’re here, you’re family”
Olive Garden Waiter: Sir, I am not adding you to my will.
I thought of an appropriate parody: James and the giant impeachment.
Ain’t that just peachy.
Animated cartoon squirrels are metaphors for the best soulmates.
They’ll do anything for love, and go Hammy on your cookie or Scrat on your nut.
Just dropped a copy of “A Christmas Carol” on my toe.
It hurts like the Dickens!
Mon, people keep sayin’ dat President Trump is impeached.
I tink im oranged.
If the earth is flat…
Then how come my soda is still fizzy?
I ran a marathon for charity
It was for kids with asthma, i easily finsihed 1st.
Flour, salt, and butter go to a dance.
Butter sees flour and salt dancing in the corner.He walks over to them and asks, “can I cut in?”
I ain’t afraid of my wife!
But don’t tell her I said that.
Two guys are going out to get breakfast. One asks “wanna get a bagel sandwich?”
“A bagel sandwich? That’s way too much bread.”
I don’t have a girlfriend
But I know someone who would be angry if they heard me say that.
Tragically, my Korean friend passed away this morning.
He was So Yung.