My ex is upset that I tell people she performs multiple handjobs every day for £5 a pop…
Apparently, the proper description for her job is “manicurist,”
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
I told all my friends to stand in a line and punch me…
There is no punchline.
JOKESTER
Relationships are a just like Game Of Thrones, without the Thrones
JOKESTER
It’s not true love if he doesn’t text you after his wife falls asleep
As a scientist, I finally reach the same achievement as Isaac Newton and Josiah Gibbs.
Being single and unmarried for whole life.
What did the TV say to the other TV?
Hisense, I’m dad.
She won’t admit it, but I’m sure my wife’s favorite sex position is “trick-dog style.”
It’s where I sit up and beg, then she rolls over and plays dead.
What did the monk say when he saw Jesus Christ’s face in his margarine?
“I can’t believe it’s not Buddha.”
What did the gangsta say to the phone?
“Back up before i whoop yo ass!”
What do you call a really persistent uncle?
A pain in the ass.
It was freezing that day and I prayed for snow at my wedding…
It never happened but I got 8 inches on my honey moon.
Why Did Santa Buy 3 Gardens?
So he can ho ho ho
Two psychiatrists are taking a walk and happen upon a person lying bleeding from a stab wound.
One of them says to the other, “The person who did this really needs our help”.
A blind man walks into a bar.
And a table. And a chair.
Why was the teenage crustacean upset?
He couldn’t find a date for his high school prawn.
Why is Santa always so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live!
Anyone else know this xD
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Why does Jesus always look sad?
Because he has birthday and Christmas on the same day.
Wanna hear a Star Wars Joke??
The Rise of Skywalker was good!!
What do me and my house plant have in common?
We’re both dying inside.
“Why is that baby still in diapers?”
I’ll give you two reasons:Number 1, and number 2.
The best thing about being an abortion doctor
You don’t have to buy dog food
A snake walks into a bar
the bartender ask, “How’d you do that?”
The kingdom was in shock to find out that the prince’s mother was also his aunt
He was an ingrown heir
Activision after working out that they don’t have to pay tax.
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A Muslim, a Christian, and a Rabbi walk into a house.
Chris Hansen: “Have a seat right over there.”
It’s gonna be hard being Joey Saladino after Trump’s Impeachment.
No one likes a Right-wing nutjob with a missing left nut!
What do you call a candidate who cannot win an election?
A stay at home Politician