I drove my new car out of the lot only to find the reverse gear broken.
There’s no going back now.
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
If it weren’t for blinds…
It would be curtains for you
What’s the difference between Trump and a superglue?
A superglue can easily be removed.
I like my coffee like my girls.
Without another’s dick in it.
When i was 8, priest told me “A man shall not lie with a man”
Then he came closer and said “But you are not the man yet, right?”
My new blow up doll is so realistic.
It told me it just wants to be friends.
December in Ireland
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You are like a cloud.
When you disappear it’s a beautiful day.
My 13 year old son came home the other night and told me he had just had sex for the first time. I asked him did he wear any protection?
He said, “yes Dad, we all wore balaclavas.”
Give the gift of disappointment this year!
Give an inactive gift card
Wanna know why they call me Christmas?
Cause Christmas came early this year.
Why were the Republicans so upset over Trump being impeached
It’s proof that thoughts and prayers don’t work
For me, relationships are like a game of hide and seek
Nobody finds me attractive.
Donald Trump has a conversation with Putin
Putin: Nice tan. I love that shade of orangeTrump: What? I’m not orange. Impeach
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, ten dead
What’s the best way to code the snake game?
In python script
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that?
Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?
Store worker: Why do you ask?Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?
What’s the difference between a deaf republican and a blind democrat?
A: One of them is deaf The other is a democrat
Tuna Tornado
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What did Jesus do after school?
He went to his job.
A jockey was having a hard time bringing his talking horse to the race
“Do even want to go to the race” the jockey saidThe horse replied “Nay”
What’s meaner than a pitbull with AIDS?
The man who gave it to him. Via shared needles.
I asked my local butcher if he had a sheep’s head?
He said “no it’s just the way I part my hair”
I wonder if old houseflies tell the younger ones stories like:
“Back in my day, it was Monday”.
Which subreddit is on top most of the time?
I don’t know. Why don’t you askreddit?
Girls always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they start calling me ugly and broke.
I’m a bartender
Guy: One Mojito pleaseMe: SureGuy: Can you make it virgin?Me (Holding back tears): Yes… yes I can
A waiter brings dinner to the table
The patron remarks, “Why is your thumb on my steak?””I didn’t want it to fall on the floor again!”