I like my women like I like my steak
Happy and healthy
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
My ex just donated her eggs and got $3,000! WTF?
I donated sperm and all I got was a weird look from the Salvation Army Santa.
What’s ET short for??
He’s got little legs.
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Cheap. Free when possible.
Epileptic Santa
He seizures when you’re sleeping
Remember to take a pair of scissors when going to the supermarket
So you can cut the line.
The first thing you have to learn before squatting at the gym…
… is to set up a bar in Iraq.
I like my coffee like I like my women
Without a penis.
Guy 1: what will I be doing next year?
Guy 2: I dunno, I don’t have 2020 vision
Why is the ground so hard?
Because it’s a snow penis.-My cousins 8 year old son
I like my coffee how I like my women…
Cold and bitter.
My wife asked me today if I was still talking my fiber supplements.
I said I wasn’t being very regular about it.
My mother just got a sewing machine
Needles to say, she was sattisfied
I hate these double standards.
if you burn a body at a crematorium you’re “doing a good job” if you do it at home you’re “destroying evidence”
What’s the difference between a baby and a boomerang?
When you throw a boomerang off a cliff it comes back to you
I like my iced tea like I like my presidents…
so good it doesn’t need any peach or mint.
I think women breast feeding in public is disgusting.
I was always taught that if you didn’t bring enough for the entire class, nobody gets to have any.
The impeachment of Trump will be a stain on his legacy
Whereas the impeachment of Clinton was the legacy of his stain.
I used to think that a shag pile is a type of carpet.
It turns out that it’s a type of friend.
What do you call a mexican midget?
A paragraph, cause it’s not a full essay.
There aren’t two genders, nor many, but only one
Because it’s Nerf or nothing.
Girlfriend of two years broke up with me this fall, I was devastated. Then I realized…
I had 2 fall to lose it allBut in the end it doesn’t even matter…
I had a dream the ocean was full of orange soda …
It was a Fanta Sea
What’s one reason you should not join the Nazi party?
It is just nazi reich thing to do! Also,fucknazis
It’s funny how words change meanings over time.
For instance, as a child you only visit the headmaster for punishment, but later on in life it’s actually a reward.
Adam Driver walks into a bar…
The bartender says,”Why the long face?”
Why did Tulsi Gabbard cross the road?
She didn’t. She’s stuck in the middle.
Do you say either or either?
Either.Yeah, but which one do you say?
What do bowling pins & white people have in common?
They’re rednecks
I couldn’t believe my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there!