I tried to be nice to someone today and hold the door open for them
But all they did was scream and fly out the airplane
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when he asked what the weather forecast for Christmas was?
It looks like rain, dear.
I finally got my high school dream girl to find me attractive and to be by girlfriend,,, wanna know how I did it?
I waited about 5 years until she was now divorce and a single mom…
What do you get when you cross a gay eskimo and a black guy?
A snowblower that doesn’t work
Why couldn’t the fortune teller see into the future very well?
She didn’t have 20/20 vision
I like my women like I like my coffee
Full of boozeHeard this from a comedian years ago. Don’t remember who
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What is Trump calling his post-house vote vacation?
Time on the Peach.
AI won’t take over the world
Because artificial intelligence will never beat human stupidity.
What do you call Popcorn that is stuck on the ceiling?
Topcornjesus what have I done
I like my women like I like my coffee….
I’ve never had coffee but it smells really nice
I like my coffee like I like my women
Smoking hot and all over my lap while I’m driving
A house divided against itself. . .
is a duplex with angry neighbors.
So I was getting a blow job from this dude…
Everything was going great until I looked down, saw that I was wearing crocs, and realized that I’m gay.
someone emailed me claiming to be the oklahoma city bomber
i replied “ok boomer”
Picasso said “good artists copy but great artists steal”
I don’t understand if this sub if filled with good artists or great artists
What did Mario say when he saw the Alpaca?
Don’t-a worry it’s a false-a llama!
This guy in the gym just proposed and she said no
Well that didn’t work out
Why is EU like a frying pan?
Because Greece is stuck at the bottom
I like my coffee like I like my women
Lukewarm and bitter.
Why did the band “Rage against the machine” got arrested at the airport ?
Because they release another bombtrack
Did you hear the one about the guy who always poops?
He can’t keep his shit together
How many lawyers do you need to change a light bulb?
You need 2.One to change the light bulb and the other to defend the old one.
What do you call a Christian that never stops moving.
A Roman Catholic
I thought the fixture was perfectly level,
but the wedge beneath proved to be a Sham!
Why did Jeremy Corbyn buy so many advent calendars?
So he could keep opening the door to number 10
Tried to start a new trend
Turns out the #youtoo movement was a terrible idea
Why can’t Stevie Wonder see his friends.
Because he’s married.
Madness at the Snowman’s rave last night..
All the Carrots were off their faces
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]