I just learned how to lock pick
Its opened so many doors for me
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
I told my friends ten puns to try to make them laugh
But no pun in ten did
JOKESTER
This Stay at Home shit needs to end soon, today I took a nap simply to stop eating.
JOKESTER
“Head & Shoulders” for guys it’s a shampoo. For fat chicks, a selfie.
JOKESTER
Having a Playboy magazine to just read the articles is like watching the Superbowl just for the football ?
JOKESTER
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has a 0% success rate when talking to women.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous
JOKESTER
Somebody missed the perfect opportunity to name this Chinese Corona Virus the Kung Flu ?
JOKESTER
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
JOKESTER
You know it’s time to clean the fridge when something closes the door from the inside.
Some cunt in a nightclub came up to me and said, “I get 20 times more girls than you do, haha.”
So, “20 x 0 = 0.”I don’t know what’s funny!
Why didn’t the 11 ants get let into the ant hill?
Because the ant hill is for ten ants only.
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers…
Like you don’t see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
My sister bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
A thief broke into my house
He was searching for money so I woke up and searched with him
Donald Trump was asked what the J in Donald J Trump stood for
He said “Genius”
Why did the pirate take so long learning the alphabet
Because he spent years at C
Two psychics bump into each other walking down the street…
One says to the other “You’re doing alright, how am I?”
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he open it
Want to know a job that isn’t doing very well right now
Archeology it’s in ruins!
How many Walmarts are in Iran?
None but there are 52 Targets
A skeleton walks into a bar,
he orders a beer and a mop
“I’m arresting you for illegally downloading the entire wikipedia.”
“Wait, I can explain everything!”
What do Melania and the Donald have in common?
They’re both fucking stupid.
If I put self raising flour on it…
Does that mean I still have to pay child support?
I hit a new high today, but my wife tells me that it’s actually the lowest I’ve ever been.
Turns out substance abuse isn’t a joke.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm
”two beers, ” he says ”one for me, and one for the road.”
What’s the difference between choking fetish and necrophilia?
About 15 seconds