A vegan once told me…..
A vegan once told me that eating meat was gross….. I then replied a man who sells fruit and vegetables is grocer.
thefun
One supposedly goes to Heaven for treating others well. Then God sends some of those “others” to Hell, you know, as He would if He wanted them treated well.
That’s why I have a furnace in my basement. I just throw people in. Doin the Lord’s work.Others believe you go to Heaven simply by… Read More »One supposedly goes to Heaven for treating others well. Then God sends some of those “others” to Hell, you know, as He would if He wanted them treated well.
Barber: Mr. Bond, you are turning old and grey. Would you like me to colour your hair?
Janes Bond: No thanks. Dye another day.
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This Blew Up! Thanks for the Gold!
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work
The medical code of ethics is way too strict. Apparently, I’m not allowed to marry a patient even if we’re in a consensual relationship.
I’m really starting to hate being a veterinarian.
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess… in the morning he wakes up with a “breakfast for champions” in front of him, and he is like… what???…
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess… in the morning he wakes… Read More »A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess… in the morning he wakes up with a “breakfast for champions” in front of him, and he is like… what???…
Couples Counsellor: So, what brings you here today?
My wife: I can’t stand it any more. He’s too literal.Me: My truck.
If you’re here for yodeling lessons please form an
Orderly, Orderly, Orderly Queue
The opposite of Microsoft Office is…
Macrohard Onfire.
I asked a Chinese girl for her number…
She said, Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight. I said, “Wow” Then her friend said, She means 666-3629.
I was kidnapped by some mimes 4 years ago today
The things they did to me were just unspeakable
It was 11 years ago today.
My buddy James came running into the room, tears streaming down his face, and shouting,“It’s a boy! It’s a boy!”Needless to say, we never went… Read More »It was 11 years ago today.
It’s good news for insomniacs
Only 10 more sleeps till Christmas.
Her: Take off my bra
Me: Ok Her: Take off my Panties Me: Wow, ok Her: Stop wearing my clothes
Merry Christmas Hindus and Muslims
“Consider it a Christmas gift from the universe to the world” … “visible from parts of Indonesia, southern India, Oman and Saudi Arabia.”https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.cnn.com/travel/amp/solar-eclipse-christmas-scn-trnd/index.html
Yo mama…
Your mother jerks off pigs. She gets down on her knees and crawls through the pigpiss mud slop and snuggles up to the pig, her… Read More »Yo mama…
Ollie, one of our favorite Minnesota doofuses, calls the airlines information desk and inquires, “How long does it take ta fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?
“Just a minute,” said the busy clerk.“Vell, said Ollie, “if it goes dat fast, I tink I’ll yust take da bus.”
Farmer 1:What kind of person would make a path through my wheat field?
Farmer 2:I guessing a scythopath.
I can see that next year is going to be a good year
Because it’s going to be 2020
Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can’t survive a slap from a newspaper.
That shows how toxic the media is.
Blowjobs are great
Even if you suck at it you’re still doing it correctly.
Dr. Strange goes to Dormamu’s house
Dr. Strange : Knock, knockDormamu : Who’s there?Dr. Strange : door momDormamu : door mom who?Dr. Strange : DoorMomWho, I’ve come to bargain
A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act (same but different)
Somewhere out deep on an Alabama lake there’s a Redneck lighting sticks of dynamite and tossing them into the water. After each tremendous explosion, he… Read More »A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act (same but different)
My roommate says our house is haunted
I’ve been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.
A piano is impossible to tune perfectly, as is any fretted (non trombone) or valve operated instrument. This is due to the mathematics of harmonies.
Pianos are tuned where each half step is the twelve root of two higher than the step below
I think my dick got more humour than me
Everytime i unzip my pants my girl start laughing
Why shouldn’t you joke about the Jonestown Massacre?
The punchline’s too long.
What’s the difference between Jeffrey Epstein and Christmas ornaments?
The ornaments can be rehung again next year.