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Jokes

  • My wife and I started role playing in the bedroom.

    My wife and I started role playing in the bedroom. Her favourite is, “Sexy Librarian”, where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.

  • Want to sexually frustrate an IT worker?

    Want to sexually frustrate an IT worker?
    Have you tried turning them off, then on again?

  • THAT’S what you guys call missionary?

    Weird. Missionary’s what I call it when I don’t let him come inside.

  • Only two beers

    Two friends, dead drunk, are on their way home, one says to the other, go up to my house for the last drink…
    They enter the house, the owner of the house asks his friend not to make noise, so as not to wake his wife, and goes to the kitchen to get beers.
    Meanwhile, the friend left alone, hears noises coming from the bedroom, looks out and takes a peek into the bedroom, sees his friend’s wife in bed with a man!
    The homeowner comes back and the friend tells him, hey! There is another man in the bedroom with your wife! And the owner of the house: “Shut up! Talk quietly, I only have two beers!

  • No red ink

    Two brothers want to find out if Soviet Russia is really like the propaganda they hear in the West. They decide that the older brother will go to Soviet Russia to see for himself and write back what he sees. However, since the letter might get censored by the Soviet government, they decide that if the brother is telling the truth, he would write in black ink, if he is lying, he would write in red ink.
    A few months later, the older brother sends a letter back. The letter is in black ink.
    “My brother, everything we hear in the West is a lie. Soviet Russia is a great country, everyone is free and happy. The foods are abundant and everything is great. They have everything here, there is no shortage of anything. However, unfortunately, i havent been able to find any red ink.”

  • Intelligence

    Stephen Colbert: “Are you afraid of artificial intelligence taking over?”

    Ricky Gervais: “I’d love for any intelligence to take over.”

  • Someone asked me if I could have dinner with any world leader,…

    Someone asked me if I could have dinner with any world leader, living or dead, who would it be? I said, “Vladimir Putin…

    dead.”

  • Lists

    My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

    Her list: Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

    My list: Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

  • Good idea

    My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”

    “Good idea,” I replied. “We can cover more ground that way.”

  • What’s the opposite of an Aphrodisiac?

    What’s the opposite of an Aphrodisiac?
    Wedding cake