Fair warning before you scroll: these are the rude ones. 200 dirty jokes for adults, picked by hand from the more than 400 in our dirty jokes category, all of them quick and none of them suitable for the office, the family group chat or anyone under 18. If you would rather keep it clean, we have 300 short jokes and 50 one-liners that you can safely read out loud.
Jump to: Dirty One-Liners · Marriage · Dating and Singles · Doctors and Nurses · Porn and the Internet
Dirty One-Liners
1. When someone says it is better than sex, they have not been having the right kind of sex.
2. Boobs are nature’s anti-stress balls. Unfortunately they are attached to the number one leading cause of stress.
3. Popeye was a lonely sailor. No wonder he had such big forearms.
4. Nudist beaches are great. The only problem is the quality control.
5. Opinions are like orgasms. Mine is the most important and I really could not care less about yours.
6. I just did a selfie sounds so much better than I just masturbated.
7. When a sex worker gives you a discount, you’re getting a holesale price.
8. Sex is like pizza. Even when it’s bad, they still expect me to pay for it.
9. Boobs are like the sun. You can only stare at them for a short time. With sunglasses, you can stare as long as you want.
10. Women never have to apologise. They just sleep naked and let the guy decide whether he’s still mad.
11. Naked yoga in the back garden is the fastest way to get the neighbours to pay for a privacy fence.
12. I knew a guy who had a massive heart attack during sex. He came and went at the same time.
13. I just had a near-sex experience. My wife flashed before my eyes.
14. How do you get Dick from Richard? You ask him politely.
15. What’s the difference between a kiss and anal sex? A kiss makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
16. There is love without sex, and there is sex without love. And then there’s you, without both.
17. What do you do with 365 used condoms? Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a Goodyear.
18. The average person has sex 54 times a year. Tomorrow is going to be wild.
19. Why did the condom fly across the room? It got pissed off.
20. My wife and I are into S and M. She sleeps and I masturbate.
21. Isaac Newton died a virgin. That means I have one up on history’s greatest genius. I’m not dead.
22. If sex with three people is a threesome and sex with four is a foursome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
23. I asked for a box of condoms at the chemist. The girl asked if I wanted a bag with it. No thanks, I said, she’s actually quite pretty.
24. I took a Viagra once to see what it was like. It got stuck in my throat and my neck was stiff for hours.
25. Just found out cock fighting is done with chickens. Twelve months of training wasted.
26. Sex jokes really suck. But they don’t swallow.
27. A Viagra overdose must be a hard way to go.
28. I hate phone sex. Once the phone is in, you can’t hear what the other person is saying.
29. I’m hosting a party for people who can’t orgasm. Please let me know if you can’t come.
30. When I was younger I lost my virginity to a prostitute and lasted three seconds. I think it was the whoremoans.
31. I would tell you how awkward my first anal experience was, but I don’t want to be the butt of the joke.
32. What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing?
33. A good joke is like sex. Very hard to get.
34. I don’t always have sex while camping, but when I do, it’s in tents.
35. VPNs are like condoms. One leak and you could end up with an eighteen-year sentence.
36. My wife wants me to try a blindfold during sex. I just can’t see myself wearing it.
37. Some people know nothing about anatomy. Today I had to explain that there is a vas deferens between a testicle and a penis.
38. Did you hear about the horse who married a prostitute? He was a one-trick pony.
39. What do porn stars and truckers have in common? They both get paid by the load.
40. What is the speed limit for sex? 68. At 69 you have to turn around.
41. I call my penis the Canadian. It curls up when it gets cold.
42. My girlfriend says she’ll be a great comedian one day. Every time we have sex, a joke comes to her.
43. I got charged with sex trafficking. Never doing it in the middle of the motorway again.
44. Celibacy and atheism are quite similar. One avoids sex, the other avoids sects.
45. You know you’re getting old when you watch porn and think: that bed looks really comfortable.
46. If you want something done right, do it yourself. This should not apply to sex.
47. The best sex is what-if-we-get-caught sex.
48. If her bra and panties match when you undress her, it wasn’t you who decided to have sex.
49. Having sex without taking your clothes off is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.
50. I changed my name to Getov so it sounds like girls are shouting my name during sex.
51. Having sex for money is illegal, but most girls know clever ways around it, such as marriage.
52. I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
53. According to my penis, there’s a 99 percent chance I like you.
54. No one is an atheist thirty seconds before an orgasm.
55. Never judge a man until you’ve had sex with his wife.
56. Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
57. I hate that they put use-by dates on condoms. Like I’m not under enough pressure already.
58. If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
59. A simpler theory is that the dinosaurs all got married and stopped having sex.
60. Here’s an excuse for bald men: it’s not a bald spot, it’s a solar panel for a sex machine.
61. When women have a few cocktails, they often share a few cock tales.
62. Most women’s G-spots are located about two inches inside a man’s wallet.
63. Drinking decaf coffee is like masturbating with a condom on.
64. I can’t tell whether my vegetarian neighbours are having sex or finally decided to try bacon.
65. How is there no law requiring the cashier to high-five you when you buy condoms?
66. Snooker rules applied to sex: if red is blocking pink, go for the brown.
67. Announcement on the clinic website: breast enlargement, penis enlargement, discount for ordering both.
68. What do you call a bodybuilder with a large penis? A beginner.
69. What’s the difference between sex and hide-and-seek? In hide-and-seek I can count to ten before I shout: I’m coming, ready or not.
70. I believe in love at first sight. Science calls it an erection.
71. What do you call all the boobs you’ve ever seen in your life? Memmaries.
72. What kind of porn do bankers watch? Trans action.
73. What do you call two communists who masturbate together? Cum-rades.
74. How do you make lesbians like you? Don’t be a dick.
75. Apparently there’s a new sex position called Parcel Force. You stay in all day and nobody comes.
76. The three ages of sex. 18 to 35: tri-weekly. 35 to 60: try weekly. 60 to 90: try weakly.
77. Masturbation may help prevent the common cold. I really hope so, I’ve run out of tissues.
78. If having sex for money makes you a whore, does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
79. Christmas presents are like sex. It’s more fun to get them from someone else than to give yourself one.
80. I buried my best porn in a time capsule. For the generations to come.
81. Having too much sex can cause memory loss. Also, I can’t remember if I told you this, but having too much sex can cause memory loss.
82. Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake.
83. Sex is like golf. Playing every hole is the goal.
84. Having sex with me is like microwaving food at 3 am. The longest minute and a half of your life.
85. All medicines have side effects. Only Viagra has front effects.
86. There are lots of ways to show someone you love them. Sex is my favourite.
87. Does anyone know a cure for sex addiction? I’ve tried everything.
88. What do you call a man who says he doesn’t masturbate? A liar.
89. I got caught masturbating to an optical illusion. I said: it’s not what it looks like.
90. The makers of Viagra have developed a pill to increase wetness in women. It will be called Niagra.
91. I was arguing with a very busty woman and she shoved my face into her chest. I don’t remember what we were arguing about.
92. Life is like a penis. Sometimes it gets hard for no reason.
93. Cum is just your penis vomiting from motion sickness.
94. The only time I use the word selfie is when describing my sex life.
95. My dance style ranges from white dad at a barbecue to stripper whose rent is due tomorrow.
96. What happens when someone yells fire during a porn shoot? Premature evacuations.
97. Men think with their penis, so if you see one scratching his crotch, he’s just confused.
98. I had a fight with an erection this morning. I beat it single-handedly.
99. Why did God create the orgasm? So women can moan even when they’re happy.
100. If you like music during sex, play a live album. You get applause every four minutes.
101. Having sex with a condom is like eating Cheerios with chopsticks. I’ll enjoy it, but it will take forever to finish.
102. An ad from Durex, to all customers of our competitors: Happy Father’s Day.
Dirty Jokes About Marriage
103. Half of relationships end because of bad sex. Mine, however, ended because of good sex. With another woman.
104. Eat your dinner, there are people starving in Africa, said my wife. I replied: let us have sex then, because there are lonely men basically everywhere.
105. My wife told me to give her gold-medal sex. She said: just once, could you give me silver-medal sex and finish second?
106. Anal sex should be reserved for marriage only, because marriage is a prison.
107. My wife wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache. I must have caught it from her last night when we didn’t have sex.
108. Years ago I had a sex change. I went from having a lot of sex to having none. It’s called marriage.
109. Before marriage you realise the importance of sex. After marriage you realise the importance of masturbation.
110. My wife said: why don’t you try something you haven’t had in a long time? So I asked the waitress for sex.
111. There’s a shocking amount of sex on TV lately. Especially when the wife goes out.
112. Wife to husband: you make love like you decorate. Husband: slow and professional? Wife: no, I have to finish the job myself.
113. Please, just let me finish, I said to my wife during an argument. No I will not, she yelled, pulling me off the prostitute.
114. My wife asked what I wanted for Valentine’s Day. I said a blowjob. She said: no, silly, something I can buy you. So I asked for a good blowjob.
115. If I find out who sent my wife a big bouquet of flowers, I’ll beat them up. The silly woman thought it was me and now wants to reward me with sex.
116. Wife: do you want to have sex? Me: I thought you’d never ask. Wife: OK, here’s forty pounds, there’s a brothel round the corner.
117. I keep getting bombarded with emails about penis enlargement. I wish my wife would stop.
118. My wife said get some pills that help you get an erection. You should have seen her face when I threw her the diet pills.
119. Husband: how many men have you slept with? Wife: thirty. Husband: I wish you’d been a virgin when I married you. Wife: I was.
120. My wife says I should say make love instead of the F word. What the make love is she talking about?
121. I was going to buy Viagra when the cashier asked what I needed it for. I just showed her a picture of my wife.
122. I’ve been married ten years today. Having sex with just one person for ten years is pure dedication. I don’t know how she does it.
123. Wife: when was the last time you gave me an orgasm? Husband: this morning. Wife: in your dreams. Husband: no, in your coffee.
124. My girlfriend said: no talking about sex until we’re married. Now we’re married she says: you can talk about sex all you want.
125. A husband confesses: dear, when I have sex with you, I often think of other women. You bastard, she cries, when I have sex with other men I only think of you.
126. My wife and I started role playing. Her favourite is Sexy Librarian, where I sit quietly while she reads a book.
127. My vagina is like the local gym, said my wife. Hot and sweaty? I asked. No, she said, only a few members use it regularly.
128. A man asks his wife how her book is. She says: it’s a bit like our sex life. How so? Short, boring and predictable.
129. My wife bites her lip to look sexy. I don’t have the heart to tell her you’re meant to bite the bottom one.
130. Men vacuum the way they have sex. They put it in, make some noise for three minutes and collapse on the couch, expecting the wife to be happy.
131. I complained to my wife about our nonexistent sex life. Zero fucks were given.
132. Wife: men go deaf if they take Viagra too often. Husband: who is Jeff and why is he taking you to Niagara?
133. At the marriage counsellor my wife says: I do enjoy sex, but this horndog wants it five or six times a year.
134. Last night my wife found me in the pub, threw a pint over my head and called me a useless cock. Every year she ruins our anniversary.
135. I’m divorcing my husband after he spent our life savings on a penis enlargement. I just can’t take it any longer.
136. Honey, where are you running? Anal sex keeps my wife in shape. I just mention it and she runs a mile.
137. My wife filed for divorce when she found out I was in porn. The hypocrite was the one who told me to get a flipping job.
138. I had my spine and both testicles removed yesterday. It was expensive and painful, but I got some fantastic wedding presents.
139. We argue a lot, we rarely have sex and we can’t stand each other. I think we’re ready to get married.
Dirty Jokes About Dating and Singles
140. On our first date. Her: I really like men who plan ahead. Me: That is why I drank two litres of pineapple juice today.
141. My breakup was so bad that I decided to post some revenge pictures. They were naked pictures of myself, to show how low my ex-partner’s standards were.
142. I thought my new girlfriend was a bit of a slut when she called me her thirty-second lover. Then I realised she meant the time.
143. I was offered a threesome by two hot twins. Sex with Jessica felt great, but Jeremy was a pain in the arse.
144. My friend was furious that I slept with his ex two days after they broke up. Sorry mate, I said, I didn’t know you’d broken up.
145. I walked up to a girl in a bar and said: can I buy you a drink? She said: do you like sex? Of course. Do you like to travel? I love it. Then go away, she said.
146. Her: our sex life has really improved. Therapist: why? Her: I’ve learned to appreciate the small things in life.
147. Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of crisps in church. Everyone looks at you in disgust, but deep down they want some too.
148. Guy: please don’t tell my girlfriend we had sex. Girl: my lips are sealed. Guy: liar!
149. Her: excuse me, I’m up here. Me: excuse me, I was talking to your boobs.
150. I like a long cuddle with my girlfriend after sex. It’s the quickest way to deflate her.
151. When my girl tells me her friend is a slut, I take it as a hint.
152. It’s my girlfriend’s fault I slept with all her friends. She’s the one who told them I’m huge.
153. My girlfriend has no interest in my personality and only wants me for sex. I think I love her.
154. New Year’s resolution: date more models. Revised: date more girls. Re-revised: date a girl. Re-re-revised: talk to a girl. Final: cry less while masturbating.
155. Girls put on makeup, creams, sexy perfume and the best hairstyle ever. Finally guys look at them and say: man, look at her arse.
156. What a woman wants in a man: kindness, romance, tenderness, loyalty. What a man wants in a woman: his penis.
157. Women can use sex to get what they want. Men can’t, because what they want is sex.
158. The average person has sex three times a week. They must have a well-paid job. I can only afford it once a month.
159. Me: this is a heart-touching moment. Her: no, you have your hands on my boobs.
160. If no woman gives me sex soon, I will take matters into my own hands.
161. I got bored in lockdown, so for something to do I measured my dick. Now I’m bored and depressed.
162. I’ve never been with two women at once, but I’ve been with many who weighed as much as two women.
163. I’ve been on holiday all week with the house to myself. I think my penis has filed a restraining order against my hand.
164. A girl told me to put my penis in a fan. Probably your sister. She said: fix the fan, it’s broken in two.
165. I’m a bartender. Guy: one mojito please, can you make it virgin? Me, holding back tears: yes, yes I can.
Dirty Jokes About Doctors and Nurses
166. A man wakes up in hospital. The nurse says: bad news, you won’t feel anything from the waist down. Can I feel your boobs then?
167. A woman sued a hospital because after treatment her husband lost interest in sex. The doctors replied: all we did was correct his eyesight.
168. I saw a nurse about my penis being too small. There’s absolutely nothing there to worry about, she said. She could have put it more gently.
169. My doctor told me to give up half my sex life. I asked which half: thinking about it or talking about it?
170. A woman has just given birth. Her husband asks the doctor: how soon can we have sex? The doctor smiles: I can meet you out the back in ten minutes.
171. Patient: you amputated my genitals during surgery! Doctor: ma’am, you need to calm down.
172. Two behavioural psychologists have sex. Afterwards one says: wow, you really enjoyed that. How was it for me?
173. How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis. Ladder! I mean ladder.
174. You are the first woman who ever gave me an orgasm, I told the prostitute. That’s not true, she said. I’m a man.
175. Boy asks his mum: is it bad to have a penis? No, why? Because dad is upstairs trying to pull his off.
176. A man mistook Tipp-Ex for Viagra. He woke up with a massive correction.
177. Researchers found that excessive masturbation causes dyslexia. Hwoevr tihs is olny in etxreem caess.
178. I took Viagra when I got to the office. I’m working hard now.
179. Just a reminder that mammogramming your boobs is more important than instagramming them.
180. I searched the internet for a Rorschach test, but all I found were drawings of my parents having sex.
Dirty Jokes About Porn and the Internet
181. All porn films should start with five seconds of music, to remind me that my volume is turned up.
182. Porn gives young people an unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
183. Porn is so unrealistic. I’ve been watching for twenty minutes and nobody has checked their phone.
184. You know your online relationship isn’t working when you discover she’s been copying and pasting her orgasms.
185. My new pool boy obviously hasn’t watched enough porn to know the real reason I hired him.
186. I watched a director’s cut of a porn film last night. At the end he actually fixed the washing machine.
187. I got a porno on DVD, put it in and it was just a blurry picture of a guy holding his massive cock. Then I realised I hadn’t switched the TV on.
188. Hello sir, we’re from your internet provider. You recently said homosexuality is wrong, so we’ve blocked you from lesbian porn.
189. I caught my coworker watching porn during our meeting. He said it was his home security camera.
190. No, Pornhub, I don’t want to play online poker. I’m at work.
191. Son: is there a place where everyone loves everyone, whatever their colour, gender or religion? Father: yes, son. It’s called Pornhub.
192. We haven’t seen any porn on your phone for a couple of days. You OK? Signed, the NSA.
193. I showed my grandpa YouTube and he said he couldn’t imagine his childhood with that. I didn’t have the heart to show him Pornhub.
194. I love the internet, where people from all cultures can share ideas and… wait, which folder did my porn download to?
195. Kid: God made the first man and woman, right? And they were naked, and God watched them? So God invented porn? Pastor: …
196. I don’t think the woman next door watches enough porn. She asked me to fix her sink and twenty minutes later I’m still fixing her sink.
197. I heard your house was robbed. The robber said you could give him your phone or a blowjob. I see you’re reading this on your phone.
198. Saying my team won after watching a game is like saying I had sex with that woman after a porno. You just sat on the couch.
199. I just made a sex tape. But I guess Home Alone is already taken.
200. Got up early to shave my legs because I’m about to order pizza. I watch a lot of porn.
Dirty Jokes: Questions People Ask
What counts as a dirty joke?
A dirty joke gets its laugh from sex, body parts or bodily functions, usually by saying out loud what polite company only hints at. The best ones still have a proper twist at the end. A joke that is only rude, with no surprise, is not a dirty joke, it is just rude.
Are these dirty jokes safe for work?
No. Every joke on this page is adult humour and the page is marked 18+. If you need something you can tell at the office or at a family dinner, use our clean short jokes and one-liners instead.
How do you tell a dirty joke without it going wrong?
Know the room. A dirty joke works among friends who already talk like that, and bombs with strangers, colleagues and anyone you have just met. Keep it short, keep a straight face, and never explain it afterwards.
Where do these jokes come from?
TheFun.Net has collected jokes from readers since 2008. Many of these were sent in, some were translated from other languages, and a few are old pub classics. We add new ones every week.
Where to Find More
Two hundred is a decent warm-up. The dirty jokes category has hundreds more, and the marriage jokes, dating jokes and bar jokes sections are not exactly shy either. If you have had enough of the rude stuff, the 300 short jokes and the 50 best one-liners are clean enough for the family dinner table.