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Jokes

  • Painful

    Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.

    Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems fucking painful.

  • kill all the jokes

    Three Russian generals walk into a bar.
    No wait, two Russian generals walk into a bar.
    ….one?

    Zero?

    Ukrainian bartender: “Fucking snipers, they kill all the jokes.”

  • cheap flights

    The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.
    I said “looking for cheap flights.”She got very excited and said “I love you,” then got on her knees and gave me the best blow job I’ve ever had.
    Which surprised me as she’s never been interested in darts before

  • tulips

    my girlfriend says her pussy’s like a rose
    But I think it looks more like tulips
    tulips

  • “Have you ever taken it in the other hole?” “No way, that would…

    “Have you ever taken it in the other hole?”
    “No way, that would get me pregnant!”

  • My wife and I split up because of Psychological reasons….

    My wife and I split up because of Psychological reasons….

    She was Psycho, and I was Logical

  • How do you call the mouth of a smoker?

    How do you call the mouth of a smoker?
    the exhaust pipe

  • I broke up with a girl once because she was having hallucinations.

    I broke up with a girl once because she was having hallucinations.
    She said “Carl, I.. can’t see you anymore”… That was weird. I was like- “Babe, I’m standing right here.” then she said “No, you don’t understand… I’m seeing someone else” which was really bizarre because it was just the two of us in the room. I had to break it off after that.

  • Grey hair is hereditary.

    Grey hair is hereditary.
    You get it from your children.

  • ratings

    Movie ratings are an indication of who gets the girl
    Rated G – the prince gets the girl.
    Rated PG – the hero gets the girl.
    Rated R – the villain gets the girl.
    Rated X – everyone gets the girl!