What’s the difference between a vegetarian salad, and one with chicken?
The chicken salad has a lot more body
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
Robin Williams got a new belt but he didn’t really like it
Yeah, he was really hung up on it
How to make crime rates drop to 0%?
They would. If government makes everything legal.
In Italy, children don’t leave milk and cookies for Santa.
Instead, they leave him elfredo.
If I purchased some land for you near a swamp…
then I’d make sure to buy you a bayou by you then say, “bye you”
Yo mama so dumb…
She thought blender was a cooking app!
I’ve recently been asking people what LGBTQ means
No ones been able to give me a straight answer yet
I left a chocolate bar in the cupboard too long and it’s gone mouldy.
Life on Mars confirmed.
I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.
So I’m going home for the hollandaise.
DO NOT TRANSLATE “SURFACE” INTO SWEDISH ?????
Please sweden I didn’t do anything
The tallest animals in the zoo don’t even want to be there…
They were giraffeted.
Orion’s belt is just a big waist of space…
Sorry, I know that joke is lame…3 stars
I call my penis the Canadian
Because it curls when it gets cold.
So there were two eggs in a pot.
The first egg says, “Look I have a crack!”The second egg says, “I’m not hard yet”
What’s the difference between a jacket and a sweater?
A jacket is something to wear when you’re cold.A sweater is what you wear when your Mom is cold.
What happened when Albert Einstein silenced his phone?
He won the no bell prize.
What kind of murderer has moral fiber?
A cereal killer.
I told my friends I was gonna go on HALO for a bit in 2007.
I just came back from a High Altitude Low Opening jump for 2019.
Whats the most common reasons why musicians go to jail?
For Hitting A Minor
How do you know if you’re a shy pooper?
Whether or not you give a sh*t
I can see 2 weeks into the future.
Yeah, I have 2020 vision
We all know where the Big Apple is
But do we know where Minneapolis
Remember when picking up women
It’s the thot that counts
« Dad, i just had my first sexual experience yesterday »
« Son, I’m proud of you. Come have a sit and tell me everything about it »« well i can’t sit, my butthole still hurts »
What did the melon say to his daughter when he caught her running off with her boyfriend?
You’re too young, you cantaloupe!
A few from my 8 year old sister…
Why does tigger smell?Because he’s been playing with poohWhich is the hairy side of a monkey?The outside
What did the inflatable principle say to the inflatable school pupil when he brought in a pin into his inflatable school?
You’ve let me down, you’ve let the school down, but most of all you’ve let yourself down.
I know it’s naughty, but I gotta know…
When Santa does come once a year… does Mrs.Claus say “Let it Snow” or “Let it Go”?
Sara Jessica Parker walks into a bar
And the bartender says, “what can I get you?”