What is worse than 3 babies in a garbage can?
One baby in 3 garbage cans.
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fun-gi, why did he leave? There wasn’t mush room.
I’m so broke…
… even my smoking is second-hand.
There are two types of people in the world:
those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
I’m starting a charity for girls that can’t afford to buy vibrators
It’s called Toys for Twats
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
What’s a thing pornstars and truckers have in common?
They both get paid by the load.
My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale from 1-10.
Last night, we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That’s the best I’ve ever done.
Why Does The Origami Like to do Laundry?
Because it likes folding.
The doctor told me I had only 2 years left to live.
So I killed him and the judge gave me 40.
I heard a rumor that Epstein was hung like a horse
But I’m pretty sure you would need more rope to hang a horse.
The recent smart home device hackings convinced me to throw away my Roomba.
It’s been collecting my dirt for years.
In medical school, I was told never to tell a person they have cancer right before they board a plane
Nobody likes a terminal diagnosis.
How can you tell the difference between an introvert and an extrovert programmer?
An introvert programmer stares at his shoes while talking to you. An extrovert programmer stares at yours.
When I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry
I love to solve integer sets when hammered…
Some call me a functioning alcoholic.
I’ve got an advent calendar for Jehovah’s Witnesses…
Every time you open a door, someone tells you to fuck off.
Why did nobody laugh about Vlad the impaler?
Because he made too many shit posts.
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I know a few bilingual pot heads
The Rosetta stoners
What happened when I got kicked out of Iraq
I ran!!! Iran. Iran!! Get it
Mimes are the only people that use actual chairs.
Get it? chAIRs.Sorry, I’ll leave
I hate Russian dolls
They are so full of themselves
When I do the Hokey-Pokey, I **always** put my whole self in.
And then, I shake it all about. I don’t know about y’all, but I think that’s what it’s all about.
I recently had to get surgery done on my lungs
The doctors said it was breathtaking
How does a thief get into a house?
Intruder window
What is the speed limit of sex?
68.At 69 you have to turn around.
Why isn‘t salt free?
Because it‘s sold.