I hate phone sex
Once the phone is in, you can’t even hear what the other person is saying.
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
a horse, a pediatrician and a fish walk into a bar
the horse stands in place, the fish dies and pediatrician just missed his shift
What’s the difference between masterbation and a hand job
Single player vs local Co op
Guys, don’t pee in the woods….
You’d piss mother nature off.
TIL: bumblebees can fly higher than Mount Everest
In retrospect, this was pretty obvious considering that Mt. Everest can’t fly
My uncle doesn’t like us lighting crackers on special occasions..
He says we’re burning money.
What did the pretentious underground portion of a house say to the floors above it at an EDM festival?
“I wonder what the bass meant?”
Son: What was George Washington Carver most well known for?
Dad: Carving Mount Rushmore?
Knock knock. Who’s there? Narcoleptic. Narcoleptic who?
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I think my dog ate all of the a scarbble tiles
He keeps dropping hints around the house
Try and name a better duo than me and procrastination
Go ahead, I’ll wait
I’m tired of the term whistleblower.
Can we all start using the term Snitchbitch instead?
Where does a king keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
My mother who left me when I was 3 recently started working at my school
I knew she’d end up in hell
My wife says I’m always repeating myself.
My wife says I’m always repeating myself
There’s a creature in Scotland that looks just like the Loch Ness Monster.
It’s the likeness monster.
My dad still laughs at the way he found out I was comming
My dad still laughs at the way he found out I was coming…After that butt dial I now leave my phone on the night stand.
What do you call an apartment for lease during christmas time?
For Lease Navidad
I ordered a chicken and an egg on Amazon
I’ll let you know
What do you call a female snowwoman
I’m cold, turn the heat up babe.Put some clothes on, you wont be cold.Fuck
How’d you call an old point?
Jurassic period.
If only god can judge you….
What the hell does a judge do!?
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red
It depends on how hard you throw them
How are a train and a bicycle similar?
You can’t make watermelon juice with none of them.
Girlfriend walks into tk max halfway through the night out. She says….
I won’t be long, I promise.
Didn’t like my hot teacher
I had a really hard time trying to understand the concepts
What do you call a russian lego?
The Soviet Bloc
Why is the blonde woman waiting for her 15 friends outside the movie theater?
Because the movie is over 16’s
What happens if you see a robbery at an Apple store?
You become an iWitness.
I’m hosting a party for people who can’t get an orgasm
Please tell me, if you can’t come.