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Jokes

  • My GF says she was born by Cesarean section.

    My GF says she was born by Cesarean section.
    I always wondered why she left my car through the sunroof.

  • My New Year’s Resolution is to go to the gym more often, get…

    My New Year’s Resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language.
    I don’t have a clue how I’m going to get all that done by tomorrow.

  • Health

    My doctor told me to take up an activity that gets me out of the pub
    So I’ve started smoking.

  • Got knocked up the ladder to success

    My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!” I groaned, “No…”
    “Sex that I can’t tell anyone about.”

  • Happiness

    A Chinese business man has been sharing photos of children crawling around and playing on top of a Lamborghini, saying that the happiness of children is the most valuable thing in the world. A million dollars worth Lamborghini is nothing compared to that. So he allow the kids to play and jump on top of the Lamborghini. The best part is that the kids are not his and neither is the Lamborghini.

  • I’ve read Masturbation may help prevent the common cold Really…

    I’ve read Masturbation may help prevent the common cold
    Really hope so, I’ve run out of tissues.

  • We have the same resolution!

    I asked the hot girl in gym ” What’s your New Year Resolution?”
    She said “Fuck you!”
    I’m now eagerly waiting for the year to end!!

  • whoresome joke

    If having sex for money makes you a whore…
    then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?

  • it wasn`t easy

    Took my son out for his first Pint today.
    I got him a Fosters, he didn’t like it, I drank it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn’t like that either, I drank it. It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider. By the time we got down to the Whisky,
    I could hardly push the fucking stroller.

  • Christmas presents are like sex It’s always more fun to get them…

    Christmas presents are like sex
    It’s always more fun to get them from other people than to give yourself one.