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Jokes

  • My sister won’t let me hold her baby anymore…

    Last time I held my sister’s baby, I dropped it. It wasn’t even a big deal, but she started freaking out. It was an accident! Just an accident, no big deal. What happened was, after I was holding the baby and I inevitably dropped it, we start arguing and she’s overreacting big time. She called the cops, said I did it on purpose, blah blah of course all the while I’m denying it. She’s all red in the face screaming at meBut my real question is, who brings a baby to the Grand Canyon?Nah I’m just kidding, my sister doesn’t have kidsAnymore

  • A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!” His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”

    A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook…”

  • You’ve never heard of the 10th Reindeer?

    The first eight are Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen.The 9th is Rudolth the red nosed reindeer, and the 10th is the jerk called Olive.Why do i call him a jerk? You know… Olive the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.

  • A man wanders back home at 3:00 am.

    His wife: You are late.You said you would be home by 11:45 pm.Man:(Casually) I said i would be home by a quarter of 12.

  • Teacher: “Class, today we are going to Bangladesh.”

    Kid named Ladesh: wha…

  • Im giving up drinking for a year

    Whoops, that came out wrongIm giving up, drinking for a year.

  • Knock knock

    Who’s there?Mary.Mary who?Mary Christmas!Knock knock.Who’s there?Anna.Anna who?Anna happy new year!Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit 🙂

  • Granma dances better than everyone. (Now with actual pixels.)

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  • A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.

    Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?” To which the nun replies “hell no” and proceeded to get off the bus.Distraught, the man asks the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “Well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, so if you go dressed as God and tell her that she must bang you to go to heaven, you are set to go”.Excited, the man goes out and buys the best God costume in the country. Later that night, dressed as God, the man tiptoes into the cemetery and sees the hun praying.Having recited his lines, he goes to the nun and says, “if you want to go to heaven, we must bang”. To his surprise, the nun agreed and they proceeded to have rough anal sex.After he finished, he threw off his God costume and proclaimed, “aha! It is I! The Man from the bus!”The nun threw off its clothes and proclaimed, “aha! It is I! The bus driver”

  • What is this bug?

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