freak
No, I don’t want to come to your cat’s birthday party…you freak. My dog’s getting married that weekend.
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” -How ballet was…
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” -How ballet was invented.
taste
I have good taste I just don’t have the money to prove it!
who is first?
If their a pic of the making of the world’s first camera. Which camera took the pic of the world’s first camera?
What is a Jehovah’s witness favorite band?
What is a Jehovah’s witness favorite band? The Doors.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
ready
I always have skis mounted on the roof of my car just in case I flip it and land in the snow.
good hangover
I don’t even call it a hangover anymore. It’s just morning.
hidden
tHis is A VEry Serious tEXt post WITH no hidden MEaning.
third
If the earth is the 3rd planet from the sun, doesn’t that make every country a third world country?
so bad
The economy is so bad Mcdonalds employees are asking customers, Can you afford fries with that?
hairy
Just how hairy was the guy, who invented the shampoo “Head n Shoulders”?
wondering
sometimes I spend entire meetings wondering how they get the big meeting table through the door
selfie
Art History Fact: the Mona Lisa is one of the most famous selfies.
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both…
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
copying and pasting
You know you’re online sex relationship isn’t working out when you discover she’s been copying and pasting her orgasms.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
politely
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
blow bubbles
I just walked up to a girl while she was chewing gum. I asked her if she could blow bubbles. she siad, “Who’s Bubbles?”
healthy
They say that eating Subway is healthy, so I always eat some after I leave McDonald’s.
doesn’t help
Apparently studying 3D geometry with 3D glasses on doesn’t help.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people delete me.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people delete me. That way I can ”like” it.
doesn’t work
I don’t understand some politicians… “Government doesn’t work. Elect us and we will prove it. “
Last day
I have got to stop living every day like it could be my last. The hangovers are killing me…
what was the question
Alcohol isn’t the answer. It just makes you forget the question.
snuck
Whoever snuck the s in fast food is a clever bastards.
autocorect
My android autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” . i left it. it’s true.
available
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I’m available.
anonymous
“Quotes are for dumb people who can’t think of something intelligent to say on their own.” – anonymous
immortal
They say laughter is the best medicine, and based on how many people laugh at me, I’m gonna live forever.