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One-Liners

More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.

guards

Anyone else find it ironic how professional boxers need security guards to walk them to the ring?

true love

True love is waking up in the middle of the night just to watch your laptop while it sleeps.

don’t ask

If you have to ask a woman if she came, she didn’t.

solver

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When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver.

almost cooking

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The recipe might be easy, but a reservation is easier.

exotic stare

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Vacations are a great way to spend thousands of dollars to stare at your phone in exotic locations.

prefer

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Actually officer, I prefer to think scotch smells like me.

camouflage

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What if aliens designed their spaceships to look like airplanes?

too serious

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

if you know what i mean

I’ve been called sugar, pumpkin, honey, cupcake, sweets…all kinds of damn food. I’m a girl, dammit. Eat me.

Friday night

It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again…

confusing

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

unbelievable

You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?

advice

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

work out

I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio.

one, two..

Summer vacations: where you drink triple, see double and act single.

bankruptcy

I have $.27 in my account…that means I have more money than the whole city of Detroit!

cleaning

The only thing that men are good at cleaning are the Browser History. 

viagra

Lesbians can also take Viagra. They don’t have to swallow it, they just let it melt in their tongues.

early

The people who complain about Mondays must not start drinking early enough.

compare

Whenever somebody says that something is “better than sex”, I always think “better than sex with you maybe”.

not enough

Excuse me waiter, I’d like to return my food. It only received 10 likes on Instagram.

from the second

I knew my psychic was full of shit from the second she accepted my check.

translation

I’m pretty sure Jägermeister translates to “I didn’t want to be productive tomorrow anyway”.

self checkout

The self checkout was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

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