so poor
Our family is so poor, we all Instagram the same plate of food.
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
die hard
I hope when Bruce Willis dies it’s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read “Bruce Willis Died Hard”
the same
When I say I want someone with a sense of humor, I really mean I want someone with MY sense of humor.
like most people
Do you think regular dogs hate police dogs like most people hate policemen?
recording
The Japanese flag is recording everything.
prank
I always wanted to super glue a $20 to the floor in the revolving door.
too much
Bars are weird, they’re the only business that kicks you out for buying too much of their product.
fence
The range of the Wi-Fi signal is MY electric fence.
guards
Anyone else find it ironic how professional boxers need security guards to walk them to the ring?
true love
True love is waking up in the middle of the night just to watch your laptop while it sleeps.
don’t ask
If you have to ask a woman if she came, she didn’t.
solver
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver.
In hell, everyone can see your Google search history.
In hell, everyone can see your Google search history.
almost cooking
The recipe might be easy, but a reservation is easier.
exotic stare
Vacations are a great way to spend thousands of dollars to stare at your phone in exotic locations.
prefer
Actually officer, I prefer to think scotch smells like me.
camouflage
What if aliens designed their spaceships to look like airplanes?
too serious
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
if you know what i mean
I’ve been called sugar, pumpkin, honey, cupcake, sweets…all kinds of damn food. I’m a girl, dammit. Eat me.
Friday night
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again…
confusing
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
unbelievable
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
advice
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
work out
I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio.
one, two..
Summer vacations: where you drink triple, see double and act single.
I start every Monday morning with a simple affirmation: I will…
I start every Monday morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
bankruptcy
I have $.27 in my account…that means I have more money than the whole city of Detroit!
cleaning
The only thing that men are good at cleaning are the Browser History.
viagra
Lesbians can also take Viagra. They don’t have to swallow it, they just let it melt in their tongues.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations…
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations…