early
The people who complain about Mondays must not start drinking early enough.
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
compare
Whenever somebody says that something is “better than sex”, I always think “better than sex with you maybe”.
You can drown in 2 inches of water.
You can drown in 2 inches of water. I’m not stating facts, but I’m making suggestions.
not enough
Excuse me waiter, I’d like to return my food. It only received 10 likes on Instagram.
from the second
I knew my psychic was full of shit from the second she accepted my check.
translation
I’m pretty sure Jägermeister translates to “I didn’t want to be productive tomorrow anyway”.
self checkout
The self checkout was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
do you have an opinion?
Opinions are like orgasms. Mine’s more important and I dont care if you have one.
secret
You know what Victoria’s Secret is.. Over charging you for a tiny piece of fabric that can be pushed aside by a tongue.
My new pool boy obviously hasn’t watched enough porn to know the…
My new pool boy obviously hasn’t watched enough porn to know the real reason I hired him.
O, shit…
My grandad asked me what I wanted for my birthday so I told him a ship in a bottle… Shame his hearing is getting bad.
reason
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia…. I can’t sleep because I have internet.
confused
Ladies..Men think with their penis… So if you see one scratching their crotch, it means they’re confused.
compromise
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat.
regret
If you get drunk and don’t regret anything the next day, then something is wrong with the way you drink!!
cat life
How is it that whenever I run over a cat it’s on it’s 9th life?
warning
My favorite bumper sticker: “If you can read this, I can slam on my breaks and sue you.”
smudge
Now that most computers have touchscreens, websites should make their advertising links look like smudges.
“People should just mind their own business,” probably the…
“People should just mind their own business,” probably the funniest thing I’ve ever read on a social networking site.
I will be answering all questions…with my middle fiinger today
i will be answering all questions…with my middle fiinger today
always listening
I’m not talking to myself, I’m talking to the NSA!
fried people
in a thousand years archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment
compliment
I love what you have done with your hair, how do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?
avoiding
When I first saw you from across the room, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.
multi
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
too much
I just want to lose weight by staying in bed, watching TV, and eating chocolate chip cookies. Is that too much to ask??
so true
Going to war over religion is basically killing one another to see who’s got the better imaginary friend…
different
I don’t know babe, you have an iPhone and I have an Android. We’re just two completely different people.
better place
Men, never go to a bar to pick up women. Just hang out in the shower head section at Home Depot.
no matter
What I’ve learned from movies: No matter how fast you run, a psychopath can catch up to you by slowly walking.