don’t judge
Never judge a man until you’ve had sex with his wife.
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
to see
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
so poor
Growing up my family was so poor that on my 12th birthday they put half a cake with six candles up against a mirror.
fantasize
According to the latest survey, when making love, most married men, fantasize that their wives arent fantasizing!
I don’t have the blood alcohol content to deal with you right now.
I don’t have the blood alcohol content to deal with you right now.
same reaction
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
first instruction
The first cooking instruction on food packaging should be “Don’t throw out box until after reading all instructions.”
depends
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 cans of beer a day seems necessary.
second best
Drawing is the second best thing in the world which requires your Hand & Imagination simultaneously.
Every time I go into my bosses office she tells me “take a…
Every time I go into my bosses office she tells me “take a seat.” I have 14 now
taste test
Of course I’m a medical professional, and what do you mean your previous gynecologist never performed a “taste test” ?
fluent
I’m drunk so much tequila last night I woke up speaking Spanish this morning
to explain
If only God can judge us than Santa has some explaining to do.
under pressure
I hate that they put “use by” dates on condoms… like I’m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
awkward
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.
got married
A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together..
small
The good thing about smart cars is, if you get bored with the color, you can buy a bottle of nail polish and change it.
I am..
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
jealous
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
excuse
heres an excuse for bald men: its not a bald spot it’s a solar panel for a sex machine
mistake
I sent texts to the wrong people. Now my wife thinks I’m gonna fuck her, and my girlfriend thinks I work late.
old fashioned
people who still call radio stations to request songs are the same people who still update their MySpace profiles
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they…
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
surprised
I just won an Academy Award for acting surprised when my credit card was declined.
ligjter
The new iPad Air will make your wallet very lighter.
moaning
moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items
style
my dance style ranges from white dad at a barbecue to stripper whose rent is due tomorrow.
it’s complicated
I had to change my relationship status on facebook to “It’s complicated” after breaking my right hand.
no excuse
people with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
wanna play
“Truth or Dare” “Truth” “Whats your credit card number?”