instead
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex, instead of police officers.
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
I’m not left handed, I just like to play life on Hardcore.
I’m not left handed, I just like to play life on Hardcore.
easier
Sometimes I think that divorce would be easier than putting together the furniture my wife bought at IKEA.
enough reach
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
mistake
“Well, the woodpeckers were a mistake.” Said Noah, as the ark started to sink…
live longer
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
out of bed
Remember when we had to get out of bed to get on the internet
Is it bad that after spending an hour with my psychologist, she…
Is it bad that after spending an hour with my psychologist, she has to spend two hours with hers?
The most popular song in Russia right now is Crimea River.
The most popular song in Russia right now is Crimea River.
moment
A moment of silence for the beer that I forgot about in the freezer.
honest
According to my penis, there’s a 99% chance I like you.
revenge
Women have the ability to keep smiling even when they’re planning revenge.
surprise
My Saturday was going pretty well until I realized it was Sunday
faster
Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture.
nobody
I danced like nobody was watching and now I need a lawyer.
One of my biggest fears is that after I die I’ll get…
One of my biggest fears is that after I die I’ll get reincarnated as myself.
fault
it’s my girlfriend’s fault I slept with all her friends…. she’s the one that told them I have a huge cock!!
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
etiquette
how long after arriving at someone’s house is it appropriate to ask the wifi password
before
No one’s an atheist 30 seconds before an orgasm.
Facebook is the adult way of having imaginary friends.
Facebook is the adult way of having imaginary friends.
attention
Fires tell their kids not to play with Chuck Norris.
unrealistic
Porn is so unrealistic. I’ve been watching for 20 minutes now and no one has checked their phone.
Saw a boat with a sign that read, “For Sale”, so I added the…
Saw a boat with a sign that read, “For Sale”, so I added the missing “-ing”……..Idiots.
never
I might be going to hell, but my at least my coffee will never get cold.
Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn’t even listening to you.
Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn’t even listening to you.
I Gave your girlfriend an oral mammogram.
I Gave your girlfriend an oral mammogram.
remaining
Yawning is your bodies way of saying 20% battery remaining.
trying
I will never forget my teachers.. but I will keep on trying.
I was going to go to the gym but I got exhausted trying to…
I was going to go to the gym but I got exhausted trying to parallel parking.