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One-Liners

More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.

Happy end

I finally shifted 140 lbs of ugly fat I gained over Christmas…..the mother in law went home this morning

Last minute

I’ve just decided that my 2014 New Year’s resolution is not to leave things to the last minute.

Italic

The leaning tower of Pisa is in Italy. Therefore, it’s simply…Italicized.

Christmas

The only time of year in which one can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of a sock.

Preferences

It’s funny how most men prefer specific fats on a woman’s body, while most women prefer specific muscles on a male body.

Stoner thoughts:

Strippers are just married prostitutes. Think about it, they’ll tease you all daym but they’ll NEVER sleep with you.

Complaint

When I die, I’m not going to Heaven or Hell, I’m going to the Complaint Department.

Irony

She believes in honesty and wears a padded bra.

Alive?

I didn’t have alcohol for a week and got a text from my Liver, “Hey there! You still alive?”

Happy Birthday…

Nothing more awkward than singing happy birthday to a person whose name you don’t know.

Snooze

The inventor of the snooze button has died. His funeral will take place tomorrow at 6:00, 6:09, 6:18, 6:27, and 6:36.

Manippleation

i pretend to be a plastic surgeon to talk girls into showing me their breast. some call it fraud I call it maNIPPLEation

Attack

It’s illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack it.

What social

I love how we call it “social media” when 75% of us are either alone in our homes or on the toilet.

Bonus

She used Vaseline to give me a hand job and I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.

Remember

life is not a fairy tale. if you lose a shoe at midnight, you are drunk.

Who decided

If her bra and panties match when you take off her clothes, it wasn’t you who decided to have sex.

Time machine

I love sleep because it’s like a time machine to breakfast

Fantasy

My husband asked me dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill his fantasy…that we have Health Insurance!

Good morning

If you have to drink more than 3 cups of coffee in the morning, maybe you should switch to cocaine.

Worth

If someone needs to watch a flight attendant demonstrate how to fasten a seatbelt, is their life really worth saving?

So far

I hate how Monday is so far away from Friday but then Friday is so close to monday.

Have fun

Having sex without taking your clothes off is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.

not bad

I’m not particularly bad at cooking, but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster?

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