Cable company: No problem sir, a technician will be out tomorrow…
Cable company: No problem sir, a technician will be out tomorrow between 10:00AM and Thursday
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
Irony
She believes in honesty and wears a padded bra.
Women are quick to leave a man who lives with his mom but will…
Women are quick to leave a man who lives with his mom but will mess with a man who lives with his wife.
Alive?
I didn’t have alcohol for a week and got a text from my Liver, “Hey there! You still alive?”
Happy Birthday…
Nothing more awkward than singing happy birthday to a person whose name you don’t know.
Snooze
The inventor of the snooze button has died. His funeral will take place tomorrow at 6:00, 6:09, 6:18, 6:27, and 6:36.
Manippleation
i pretend to be a plastic surgeon to talk girls into showing me their breast. some call it fraud I call it maNIPPLEation
Attack
It’s illegal to shine a laser pointer at a plane because a cat might attack it.
What social
I love how we call it “social media” when 75% of us are either alone in our homes or on the toilet.
Bonus
She used Vaseline to give me a hand job and I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.
Remember
life is not a fairy tale. if you lose a shoe at midnight, you are drunk.
Who decided
If her bra and panties match when you take off her clothes, it wasn’t you who decided to have sex.
Time machine
I love sleep because it’s like a time machine to breakfast
I bet that the little Red Riding Hood was blond.
I bet that the little Red Riding Hood was blond.
Fantasy
My husband asked me dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill his fantasy…that we have Health Insurance!
Good morning
If you have to drink more than 3 cups of coffee in the morning, maybe you should switch to cocaine.
Wine is like a laxative for feelings
wine is like a laxative for feelings
Worth
If someone needs to watch a flight attendant demonstrate how to fasten a seatbelt, is their life really worth saving?
So far
I hate how Monday is so far away from Friday but then Friday is so close to monday.
Have fun
Having sex without taking your clothes off is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.
not bad
I’m not particularly bad at cooking, but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster?
Last year I joined a support for antisocial people, We haven’t…
last year I joined a support for antisocial people, We haven’t met yet.
Mysterious
When people ask me what my best qualities are, I always tell them my second best quality is being mysterious.
Backup
Multiple personalities……because you never know when you’ll need backup.
Legal
marijuana is only legal if you’re sick. so it’s ill-legal
After watching my son play Grand Theft Auto V, he certainly…
After watching my son play Grand Theft Auto V, he certainly won’t be driving my car anytime soon.
story
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
trust
My girlfriend complains all the time that she doesnt trust me, i dont know why, i mean my wife trusts me.
Question
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking… Read More »Question
Wurst
Oktoberfest brings out the wurst in people.