Getting offended by something on the internet is like choosing…
Getting offended by something on the internet is like choosing to step in dogshit instead of walking around it.
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
Barcelona came to Anfield 4 nothing..
Barcelona came to Anfield 4 nothing..
The only advantage other people have over me is that they can…
The only advantage other people have over me is that they can kiss my ass and I can’t.
I’m never really sure if I have free time, or if I’m just…
I’m never really sure if I have free time, or if I’m just forgetting all the shit I’m supposed to be doing.
Don’t hate me because I’m handsome, stick around, I’ll give you…
Don’t hate me because I’m handsome, stick around, I’ll give you plenty of other legitimate reasons.
JOKESTER
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching porn and you think to yourself “That bed looks really comfortable…”
Married sex
I thiink that anal sex should be reserved for marriage only because marriage is a prison.
JOKESTER
Probiotics are good for you, but they’re still not sure about the benefits of amateur biotics.
Just sayin’
The phrase “until death do us part” was invented when the average lifespan was 35 years.
My opinion
Opinions are like orgasms. Mine is the most important and I really couldn’t care less about yours.
Until
You haven’t seen a woman overreact until you tell her she is overreacting
Never mind
I had a dream I was swimming in chocolate, but when I woke up ……nevermind
Fired
It turns out that a monkey cannot in fact do my job, long story short, he got us both fired.
Selfie
When I was a kid, a selfie was something you did with a bottle of lotion.
Do it
The old saying is that if you want something done right, do it yourself. This shouldn’t apply to sex.
Bad luck
Just my luck — judging by the itching and the rash, I think I’m allergic to prostitutes…
Self esteem so low, you crop yourself out of your selfie.
Self esteem so low, you crop yourself out of your selfie.
Protection
I’ve been hiding from exercise….I’m in the fitness protection program.
I’m taking the Highway to Hell because I am far too lazy to…
I’m taking the Highway to Hell because I am far too lazy to climb the Stairway to Heaven.
Unrealistic
Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
Hurts
Sometimes it physically hurts to hold back a sarcastic comment.
Replace
The L in my luck has been replaced with F.
Happy end
I finally shifted 140 lbs of ugly fat I gained over Christmas…..the mother in law went home this morning
Last minute
I’ve just decided that my 2014 New Year’s resolution is not to leave things to the last minute.
Italic
The leaning tower of Pisa is in Italy. Therefore, it’s simply…Italicized.
Christmas
The only time of year in which one can sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of a sock.
Preferences
It’s funny how most men prefer specific fats on a woman’s body, while most women prefer specific muscles on a male body.
Stoner thoughts:
Strippers are just married prostitutes. Think about it, they’ll tease you all daym but they’ll NEVER sleep with you.
The best sex is “What if we get caught?” sex.
The best sex is “What if we get caught?” sex.
Complaint
When I die, I’m not going to Heaven or Hell, I’m going to the Complaint Department.