Why couldn’t the man hear the psycho killer in the stall next to him?
The ‘p’ was silent
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Hey… do you smell carrots?
I had to break up with my girlfriend because she had something stuck between her teeth!
It was my best friend Dave.
How did the Lost survivors get back to the world
They had a Shepard
When you realise the labour party were winning the election on Thursday…
Until work finished at 5 and everyone voted conservative.
Congrats to Juice Wrld…
My man is one week sober.
I just did a public rant about how evil people who make up stories on the internet are.
When I was done, everyone clapped.
Why don’t roosters lay eggs?
They are too busy laying hens
One man said to a chocolate maker “Are you a magician?”
The chocolate maker said “No, but I got a couple twix up my sleeve.”
Why can’t you convicted Abraham Lincoln?
Because he’s always in a cent
Someone people are good-looking enough for others to assume they must be an IG influencer…
People take one look at me and assume I have reddit.
An acorn is not a corn
and a corn is not an acorn
Why did the pawn shop buy the oldest piece of chewing gum in the world?
Because it was in mint condition
I got a paper joke for y’all.
It is tearable.
So I was wondering what GOLF GTI stands for:
Girls Only Love Fun. Get Them Inside.
I just dropped my award for feline rectal examinations and it smashed
It was a catastrophe
Land Mines
The Soviet Union don’t use land mines.They use land OURS.
Why is Kim Jong Un so unfit?
Probably because he didn’t have to run for office.
Everyone talks about how trans people are the most marginalized
and it’s true. But trans fats are the most margerinized!
Teacher – What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Student – I don’t know and I don’t care
Why are balloons so damn expensive?
Because of inflation.
Whats the deal with Jorge Elbrecht?
Why does he look like this now? Is it makeup or did something happen to the poor fella?
What’s the difference between American beer and making love in a canoe?
None. Both are fucking close to water.
How does Pink order takeout?
I’m comin’ up so you better get this pad-thai started.
I love camping for one reason…
Because it’s in tents
Why did Watson go to Los Angeles for his next case?
Because he was told that’s where he can find Holmes.
My kids asked, what was it like living in 60’s
So I took their phones and hid the modem
What’s the great thing about Ohio women?
They’re high in the middle and round on both ends.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter, he won’t come to you anyway.