My girlfriend’s roommate wouldn’t let me redo their bathroom tiles.
What a caulk block.
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
A foolish Dutchman
What is the difference between a tube and a foolish Dutchman?One is a hollow cylinderand the other a silly Hollander.
Shaggy as part of the Gestapo
Like Fred man, I’m trying to look for Jews
Celibacy and atheism are quite similar.
One is avoiding sex, and the other is avoiding sects.
What is the difference between light and hard?
A man can get to sleep with the light on.
How do you solve for x?
You dont have to cause x gonn give it to ya!
“And that’s why I became a pilot, to get over my fear.”
“Heights?”“No, dying alone.”
Why can Einstein rank only 2nd among all physics?
Newton’s first law
I asked my girlfriend if she would like to go out with her friends on Saturday to get a couple of pairs of new shoes, get your hair done in a different style, then go out for a couple of rounds of Chardonnay.
“That sounds great!”“Good, because we are breaking up.”-Jimmy Carr
If you ever feel annoyed because your birthday’s on Christmas so you don’t get as many presents…
just imagine how Jesus must feel.
You know that feeling when an old flame contacts you out of the blue to tell you that you’re a father?
Because it’s rapidly becoming apparent to me.
Someone has their house be robbed in Russia
The house owner says “Damn you, this is MY property!” The robber responds “No. This is OUR property”.
Why do you have to break up with your japanese gf twice?
Because you have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.
What do you get when your cross an elephant with a rhino?
Hell if I know!
Why does Waldo wear stripes
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted
What does Jeffrey Epstein have in common with Christmas decorations?
They’re always hung way too early.
I was just thinking of a color that doesn’t exist…
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Why is a genie’s lower half transparent?
So you don’t see their Djinn-itals.
I just read an article comparing the different versions of the Bible.
Turns out there’s a lot of cross referencing.
I told my wife I was going to give her gold-medal sex.
She said, “Just once, could you give me silver-medal sex and finish second?”
Amazon is launching a new personal assistant for people suffering from depression.
They are calling it Alexa Pro.
If “going number 1” means “taking a pee”
Number 1 doesn’t mean shit.
I saw a few nuns at a bus stop…one of them was smoking a cigarette, one of them was wearing a beanie…
You could say they had a couple bad habits.
This girl told me that she could suck me off inside my own head.
It was truly mind-blowing.
No one knows what propaganda means anymore.
It’s when a British person takes a really good look at something.
Why did Joseph Stalin always write in lower case letters?
He hated capitalism.
Kim Kardashian tried to break the internet.
She didn’t succeed but she did leave a large visible crack.
My kids kept finding all the presents I hid around the house so someone suggested I keep them in the attic.
Now they are crying up there and saying it’s too cold and dark.
Why’d the shy spy lose his job?
He was too embarrassed about being debriefed.
Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they’re telling me…
Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they’re telling me I’m doing a good job driving.