I’m here
I’ll call it a “smart” phone the day I yell “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your jacket!”
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
literally
It’s hard to explain jokes to kleptomaniacs, because they always take everything literally.
advice
the best relationship advice i can give you is make sure you’re the crazy one…
boring
You`re so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn`t come back to you.
new way
‘Lite’, the new way to spell ‘light’, now with 20% fewer letters.
replacement
The ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
birthday
I’m sorry for getting so drunk on your birthday that people thought it was my birthday.
disappointed
Someone just used my driveway to turn around. Now I’m standing outside with two open beers and a lonley face.
forgot
If you are happy and you know it, You probably forgot that tomorow is Monday
potential
I don’t have a smartphone. I have a phone that shows potential, but doesn’t apply itself.
pay for not going
Gyms should offer a membership package where you pay for everyday you don’t go.
change name
I’ve changed my name to Getov, so it sounds like girls are shouting my name during sex.
JOKES
Having sex for money is illegal but most girls know clever tricks to get around it such as marriage.
application
There’s no problem that the proper application of alcohol can’t solve.
probably
If one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
turn on
When I undress in the bathroom, the shower gets turned on.
check
I have a doctors appointment tomorrow for an MRI to find out if I’m claustrophobic.
fun fact
Fuck a woman and she’ll love you…love a woman and she’ll fuck you!
complaint
I’m absolutely disgusted! Easter is almost over and I can’t find any christmas cards on sale yet.
until
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two drinks.
When going out to a new place, what wifi stands for, Wifi: “Wish…
When going out to a new place, what wifi stands for, Wifi: “Wish I Find Internet”
Tennis players don’t marry because Love means Nothing to them.
Tennis players don’t marry because Love means Nothing to them.
instead
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex, instead of police officers.
I’m not left handed, I just like to play life on Hardcore.
I’m not left handed, I just like to play life on Hardcore.
easier
Sometimes I think that divorce would be easier than putting together the furniture my wife bought at IKEA.
enough reach
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
mistake
“Well, the woodpeckers were a mistake.” Said Noah, as the ark started to sink…
live longer
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
out of bed
Remember when we had to get out of bed to get on the internet
Is it bad that after spending an hour with my psychologist, she…
Is it bad that after spending an hour with my psychologist, she has to spend two hours with hers?