wrong
I just bought an answering machine and it doesn’t work. Or maybe I’m just asking it the wrong questions.
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
I will..
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
Diet Tip: Don’t visit your grandmother.
Diet Tip: Don’t visit your grandmother.
Colbie
I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my advise.
pissed
Last year, I brought my boyfriend home to meet my family for Christmas. My husband was pissed!
When a woman says “what?” It doesn’t mean she didn’t hear you,…
When a woman says “what?” It doesn’t mean she didn’t hear you, it means she’s giving you a chance to correct herself.
horndog
At the marriage counselor, my wife says, “I do SO enjoy sex! But this horndog wants it five or six times a YEAR!”
gentlemen
My boyfriend opened the car door for me last night. It would have been a sweet gesture had we not been going 70 mph.
incomplete
According to the Institute of Incomplete Research, 9 out of 10 people…
waiting
No, standing as close to me as you possibly can, will not make the line move faster.
ptotoshop
If you drink enough, your brain starts photoshopping people!
almost
Just because she weighed as much as two women…. doesn’t mean you had a threesome.
no one
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
easiest way
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
tales
When women have a few cocktails, they often discuss a few cock tales.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures!
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures!
g-spot
Most womens G-spots are located about 2 inches inside a mans wallet.
waiting game
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game.
no caffeine
Drinking coffee with no caffeine is like masturbating with a condom on.
viagraccino
Have you tried Starbucks new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you’re up all night.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first…
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people that send me a dollar.
lower
Women may not hit harder, but they do hit lower.
behind
Behind every great woman is a man who loves doggy style.
finally
I can’t be sure if my vegetarian neighbors are having sex or finally decided to eat bacon…
explanation
The internet is full of cats because dog lovers actually go outside.
Never go at the first call of : “Dinner is ready!” It is a trap…
Never go at the first call of : “Dinner is ready!” It is a trap for you to prepare the table.
question
How did Jesus find guys named Peter, John, James, Thomas and Simon in the Middle East?
Immature.
Immature. A word used by boring people to describe fun people.
ATM asks
ATM asks if I want to donate to charity. Sure! Donate my transaction fee.
sense
It would just make a lot more sense if the devil was a woman.