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One-Liners

More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.

finally

I can’t be sure if my vegetarian neighbors are having sex or finally decided to eat bacon…

explanation

The internet is full of cats because dog lovers actually go outside.

question

How did Jesus find guys named Peter, John, James, Thomas and Simon in the Middle East?

Immature.

  • by

Immature. A word used by boring people to describe fun people.

ATM asks

ATM asks if I want to donate to charity. Sure! Donate my transaction fee.

sense

It would just make a lot more sense if the devil was a woman.

scanning

I just sneezed then my laptop said ‘Scanning for viruses’. WTF

Monday

  • by

It’s Sunday today, and if you are listening really carefully, you can hear how Monday is sharpening it’s claws.

magnet

We call her magnet because she attractive from the back and repulsive from the front.

bad man

I’m atheist… But I still want the people I hate to burn in hell.

delete history

I wish my computer would stop asking me stupid questions. Of course I’m sure I want to clear my browser history.

android

“yea you can use my charger, mine is full” -no Android user ever

every picture

I don’t get why people say, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is when you were younger.

someday I will…

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I propose we add a day to the week and call it “someday”. Just imagine all the stuff that would get done on that day.

autocorect

My phone autocorrected “FUCK YOU, FUCKFACE!” to “Yeah, I can get those reports to you by 9am”

unrealistic

Porn paints a extremely unrealistic picture of how quickly you can get a plumber over to your house…

always

I’m not an alcoholic; I just like having an attractive wife.

familiar

  • by

Is it just me or the words “Lawyer” and “Liar” sound a bit too familiar….??

barter

I told my son about the birds and the bees today. He told me about Mom and the mailman

either

If money can’t make you happy, you won’t like poverty either.

while I sleep

My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

advise

Never get into an arm wrestling match with a guy who has been alone for 6 months

heaven

She calls it the silent treatment, I call it heaven on earth.

attention

Oh look, North Korea wants attention again.

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