scanning
I just sneezed then my laptop said ‘Scanning for viruses’. WTF
One-Liners
More than 1,900 one-liners in one place: short, sharp jokes that land in a single sentence. These quick one-line jokes are perfect for a fast laugh, a text to a friend, or a line to steal for your next toast. If you want the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 300 short jokes and one-liners or the 50 best one-liners. We keep adding new ones, so there is always something fresh here to make you groan and grin.
Monday
It’s Sunday today, and if you are listening really carefully, you can hear how Monday is sharpening it’s claws.
magnet
We call her magnet because she attractive from the back and repulsive from the front.
tha last night i…
The best moments in life are the ones you can’t put on Facebook
bad man
I’m atheist… But I still want the people I hate to burn in hell.
delete history
I wish my computer would stop asking me stupid questions. Of course I’m sure I want to clear my browser history.
My wife told me to leave a tip for our waitress. “OK” I said,…
My wife told me to leave a tip for our waitress. “OK” I said, motioning to the waitress, “don’t ever get married”
android
“yea you can use my charger, mine is full” -no Android user ever
every picture
I don’t get why people say, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is when you were younger.
someday I will…
I propose we add a day to the week and call it “someday”. Just imagine all the stuff that would get done on that day.
autocorect
My phone autocorrected “FUCK YOU, FUCKFACE!” to “Yeah, I can get those reports to you by 9am”
unrealistic
Porn paints a extremely unrealistic picture of how quickly you can get a plumber over to your house…
Pro tip: if you must speak in court, do not put air quotes…
Pro tip: if you must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges hate that.
always
I’m not an alcoholic; I just like having an attractive wife.
familiar
Is it just me or the words “Lawyer” and “Liar” sound a bit too familiar….??
barter
I told my son about the birds and the bees today. He told me about Mom and the mailman
either
If money can’t make you happy, you won’t like poverty either.
while I sleep
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
advise
Never get into an arm wrestling match with a guy who has been alone for 6 months
heaven
She calls it the silent treatment, I call it heaven on earth.
attention
Oh look, North Korea wants attention again.
If Godzilla had a son, his name would be Jesuszilla.
If Godzilla had a son, his name would be Jesuszilla.
I wish I could delete my trouser history.
I wish I could delete my trouser history.
firefly
One firefly to another: “I really need to get some glasses, I nearly fucked a lit cigarette”.
new law
How do we not have a law requiring the cashier to high five you when making a condom purchase?
sounds
Ever wonder if the sound effects in porn is actually just a recording of a fat girl eating a delicious hamburger?
really good..
Either my boyfriend has early signs of Parkinson’s or I just gave him a really good blow-job.
Some advice:
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut after.
start
I’m about to start my work, but first let me disamble my stapler and name and polish every part.
wondering
Sometimes I stay awake wondering if there’s a number between 1 and 10 that thinks of me too.