Over acting
A man died and went to heaven..God was surprised to see his heart was still beating.. God asked him, how come??The man replied ; I’m… Read More »Over acting
Marriage Jokes
Marriage jokes for anyone who has said I do and lived to laugh about it. From nagging spouses to selective hearing and the joys of a shared bank account, these jokes poke fun at wedded life in all its glory. Read a few to your other half, if you dare.
Shut the…
Two year old son spits water on floor. Wife: we don’t spit! If it’s in your mouth, you swallow it. Husband raises eyebrows. Wife: You… Read More »Shut the…
Miss him
Two newlywed go on their honeymoon. As things start to get hot and heavy, The woman says, “Please be careful with me I’m a virgin.” The puzzled man replies, “But you’ve been married 3 times before.” “Read More »Miss him
Help!
Has anyone got a phone number for the Ghostbusters? I think I may have a poltergeist. I came in from work early and I heard… Read More »Help!
See you
My wife said last night, “Do you realise my mother is coming over for dinner in 5 minutes?” I replied, “Yes I know, I’m getting… Read More »See you
Before her
Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parent’s nasty divorce.Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ”Read More »Before her
Stoner thoughts:
Strippers are just married prostitutes. Think about it, they’ll tease you all daym but they’ll NEVER sleep with you.
“Don’t open that wardrobe!” shouted my wife as I was just about…
“Don’t open that wardrobe!” shouted my wife as I was just about to, “Your Christmas present is in there!” “Too late,” I said, pulling open… Read More »“Don’t open that wardrobe!” shouted my wife as I was just about…
Blah blah blah
“So how did the interview go?” my wife asked me. “I’m not too sure to be honest, I said all the usual stuff like, I’m… Read More »Blah blah blah
Finger
Me: “Hey babe, I’m at the hospital, I cut off my finger.” Wife: “Oh no, the whole finger?” Me:”No, no…the one next to it.”
Women are quick to leave a man who lives with his mom but will…
Women are quick to leave a man who lives with his mom but will mess with a man who lives with his wife.
My wife stopped the car today and asked a guy for some…
My wife stopped the car today and asked a guy for some directions. “What’s the quickest way to get to the town centre?” she asked.… Read More »My wife stopped the car today and asked a guy for some…
Negotiate
The kidnapper rang and said to me, “€10,000 and you get your wife back.” “Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman. “€20,000 and she’s all yours.”… Read More »Negotiate
My cross
A husband coming home from a confession and lifts his wife and carries her on his shoulder. Wife: Did the priest tell you to be… Read More »My cross
Just to hold
My wife came in starving today so I made her a great big sandwich. “Don’t eat it just yet, just hold the plate” I said. Five… Read More »Just to hold
Seenus
Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died. The first man said “I died of cancer.” The second man said,… Read More »Seenus
Step by step
I said to my wife “I think we are ready for the next stage of our relationship.” she giggled and said “what are you on… Read More »Step by step
Wrong number
“I love you,” I slurred as I phoned my wife from the pub.
“I love you too,” came the reply.Read More »Wrong number
Difference
Husband’s in movies: “I know my dead wife would want me to move on & be happy.” My Husband: “I know my dead wife would… Read More »Difference
Quotes
‘Laughing At Your Own Mistakes, Can Lengthen Your Life.” – Shakespear “Laughing At your Wife’s Mistakes, can SHORTEN your Life….” – Shakespear’s Wife
Difference
Before marriage you realize the importance of sex. …. After marriage you realize the importance of masturbation
From her
My wife wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache… I must have caught it from her last night when we didn’t have… Read More »From her
Explaining
Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him i was married now and that’s where i… Read More »Explaining
Change
I have a confession to make, years ago I had a sex change, I went from having a lot of sex to having none… it… Read More »Change
The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and…
The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and stomach pains. Kind of like when I see my wife on the computer and remember that… Read More »The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea and…
Over…
After my girlfriends father died we decided to get married stood on his grave. Well he did say I could marry his daughter over his… Read More »Over…
Fantasy
My husband asked me dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill his fantasy…that we have Health Insurance!
for a minute
“I’ve been cheating on you,” I said to my wife . She said, “Really? Honestly? You lousy bastard.” “And furthermore,” I said, “she says I… Read More »for a minute
Present
My wife said I could do whatever I liked on my birthday. So I’m flying to Brazil to start a new life.
Not husband
Wife:dear,this computer is not working as per my command. Husband:its a computer not a husband……!!!