My wife always has a headache when I come home from work. I asked her if I could help her get rid of it.
She said, “Yes, leave the room.”
Marriage Jokes
Marriage jokes for anyone who has said I do and lived to laugh about it. From nagging spouses to selective hearing and the joys of a shared bank account, these jokes poke fun at wedded life in all its glory. Read a few to your other half, if you dare.
A woman told her husband about her dream in which everybody she knows turned into zombies.
H: “Honey, even if I really turned into a zombie, I will never eat you.”W: “Aww….”H: “The doctor told me to cut down on fatty… Read More »A woman told her husband about her dream in which everybody she knows turned into zombies.
WIFE: I’ve thought about it, and I’ve decided I’m just not a kid person.
ME: Hey… [taking her hand] the word you’re looking for is “adult.”
honey
Husband embraced wife from behind, said : “I love you, honey.”The wife gigled and said : “What are you, Winnie the Pooh?”The husband shocked and… Read More »honey
My dad smashed my PS4 today
so i smashed his wife
A man and woman had been married for 30 years
In those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn’t please her, so he… Read More »A man and woman had been married for 30 years
My wife said I don’t listen to her….
At least that’s what I think she said.
My wife thinks I’m teasing her
Really, I still can’t find the hole!
Oouch
A married man died just before sex.His wife cut his penis, coated it with cement & fixed it on her bedroom wall.Every night she used… Read More »Oouch
So there’s these three guys coming out of the golf clubhouse on a Friday night.
The gentlemen see a lady shooting left-handed on the practice green nailing 20 foot putts like it was nothing, so the guys ask, “Hey do… Read More »So there’s these three guys coming out of the golf clubhouse on a Friday night.
I bought my wife a nutcracker for Christmas
I figure after all these years breaking my balls manually she deserves it
My wife asked me to provide her with encouragement as she attempts to lose weight next year.
I said, “Don’t worry. It’ll be a piece of cake.”
A women just gave birth
Soon after her husband pulled the doctor aside and asked him “How soon until we can have sex”?The doctor smiled and replied “I can meet… Read More »A women just gave birth
Dad joke
(not original content)Wife: I have to tell you something. I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad. Wife: No you’re not.
A newlywed husband visited his priest to get an annulment.
The priest asked, “What is so troubling that you want to end your marriage?” The young man replied, “ My wife and I keep fighting… Read More »A newlywed husband visited his priest to get an annulment.
Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers.
Husband: To be honest I didn’t even know she sold them.
A couple with kids had made a pact that they would always fulfill each other’s physical desires every time they were in the mood. They had also thought of a secret way of communicating with each-other so that the kids would not understand..
For example, every time one was in the mood for sex, they would say to the other: “can you please help me type a letter… Read More »A couple with kids had made a pact that they would always fulfill each other’s physical desires every time they were in the mood. They had also thought of a secret way of communicating with each-other so that the kids would not understand..
24 Hours to Live
Barry returned from a doctor’s visit one day and told his wife Carol that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping… Read More »24 Hours to Live
A girlfriend is feeling like a stranger
A girl named Amanda has been dating a boy called Bill for 6 years. Amanda has been anticipating a marriage proposal from Bill ever since… Read More »A girlfriend is feeling like a stranger
I hear you, brother
– Pity me sir, I have a wife and six children, said the beggar.The gentleman replied: – Dear fellow! Accept my heartfelt sympathy, so have… Read More »I hear you, brother
My wife got hurt bumping into the sofa…
I called her an ouch potato.
Boudreaux and the parrot (LONG)
Boudreaux walked past a pet shop every day on his way to work. He saw this nice looking parrot and decided to ask the shop… Read More »Boudreaux and the parrot (LONG)
I told my wife I was going to give her gold-medal sex.
She said, “Just once, could you give me silver-medal sex and finish second?”
During plane flights, I get really terrible earache!
During plane flights, I get really terrible earache! This year I found a solution that’ll help…. I’ve booked my wife’s seat 10 rows back.
JOKESTER
“Your underwear is too tight and very revealing” I said to my wife She said, “Wear your own then dickhead” ?
Married sex
I thiink that anal sex should be reserved for marriage only because marriage is a prison.
JOKESTER
The wife rang me at the pub giggling, “The kids are at mums, I’ve got a bottle of Chardonnay, and I’m in my sexy new… Read More »JOKESTER
JOKESTER
I saw my Ex wife yesterday, she was at the other end of the Museum from me. I would have said hello, but there was… Read More »JOKESTER
Paying
A married couple is remodeling their home and getting new doors so the husband asks his wife to go get hinges. She goes to the… Read More »Paying