how I met your mother
The year is 2030. Ted Mosby is 52 years old, still sad and alone, while all his friends are married. He goes to a strip… Read More »how I met your mother
Marriage Jokes
Marriage jokes for anyone who has said I do and lived to laugh about it. From nagging spouses to selective hearing and the joys of a shared bank account, these jokes poke fun at wedded life in all its glory. Read a few to your other half, if you dare.
one more
I pulled my wife bleeding from the wrecked car, as she screamed and pleaded for me to let her have one more shot at parking… Read More »one more
I walked in last night and my wife said, “Where have you been?”…
I walked in last night and my wife said, “Where have you been?” I said, “Playing poker at Dave’s.” She said, “Ok, what have you… Read More »I walked in last night and my wife said, “Where have you been?”…
remove
My wife is one of those people that can spot the humour in any given situation. And quickly remove it.
My wife said, ” Why do you never take me to the theatre?
My wife said, ” Why do you never take me to the theatre? You know I love the theatre.” I said, “Why do you never… Read More »My wife said, ” Why do you never take me to the theatre?
I try to let my wife run things at home.
I try to let my wife run things at home. Like the dishwasher, hoover and lawnmower.
downside
I was making a sandwich when I thought to myself, “So, there is a downside to divorce”.
coincidence
This morning my wife woke me up with a nudge. “Oh God,” she said, “I’ve just had a horrible nightmare.” “Oh no,” I replied cuddling… Read More »coincidence
My wife asked what I wanted for Valentine’s Day.
My wife asked what I wanted for Valentine’s Day. I said I wanted a blowjob. She’s all, “no silly, something I can buy you.” So… Read More »My wife asked what I wanted for Valentine’s Day.
the cure
These new anti-depressants I got from the doctor are brilliant. I felt much better as soon as I put a dozen in my wife’s food.
for mama
Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house,… Read More »for mama
reward
If I find out who sent my wife a large bouquet of flowers today, I’m going to beat their ass. ….The stupid bitch thought it… Read More »reward
freak
No, I don’t want to come to your cat’s birthday party…you freak. My dog’s getting married that weekend.
too honest
My husband and I went for marriage counseling this morning. The counselor told me I need to be more open with him about what I… Read More »too honest
harder
We’re at the age in our life when the wife says, “Dave, I want it harder!” I reply, “Ok babe, what’s the gross national product… Read More »harder
woman of my dreams
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I’m pretty damn… Read More »woman of my dreams
woman of my dreams
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I’m pretty damn… Read More »woman of my dreams
money for sex
Wife: Do you wanna have sex? Me: Yeah, I thought you’d never ask Wife: Ok here’s £40 and there’s a brothel around the corner.
not to lie
I said to my husband “Why don’t you tell me you love me?” He said “For fuck sake woman, I can’t win, you told me… Read More »not to lie
time to stop
I keep getting bombarded with emails about penis enlargement. I wish my wife would stop it.
surprise
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined… Read More »surprise
to the right place
My wife called me today to tell me that the car wouldn’t start. I said, “Honey, when I’m not there you have to sit in… Read More »to the right place
it’s time
I started arguing with my gf a lot, we rarely have sex anymore and we can’t stand each other either… I think we’re ready to… Read More »it’s time
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both…
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
different
My wife said, “Honey, let’s do something different tonight.” “What did you have in mind?” I asked. “I want you to imagine I’m a slutty… Read More »different
nice name
I always wanted to name my first daughter after my first love… but my wife thinks that “nutella” is not the right name for her!!
waiting
Inside every fat woman there is a thin woman. Inside every thin woman there is a fat woman waiting for marriage.
unrealistic
I was watching porn with my wife and she complained “This is so unrealistic.” I replied, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t… Read More »unrealistic
don’t judge
Never judge a man until you’ve had sex with his wife.
fantasize
According to the latest survey, when making love, most married men, fantasize that their wives arent fantasizing!