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Marriage Jokes

Marriage jokes for anyone who has said I do and lived to laugh about it. From nagging spouses to selective hearing and the joys of a shared bank account, these jokes poke fun at wedded life in all its glory. Read a few to your other half, if you dare.

scene

I’ve been having an affair with a film director’s wife. Yesterday he caught us in bed together. He was furious. I said to him, “Look,… Read More »scene

ready

Husband 1: Why do u take your wife only to night clubs? Husband 2: Buddy, by the time she gets ready no other place is… Read More »ready

got married

A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together..

mistake

I sent texts to the wrong people. Now my wife thinks I’m gonna fuck her, and my girlfriend thinks I work late.

scare

Ladies, if you really wanna scare a guy this year, don’t get a costume. Get a shirt that says “Ready for marriage” or “Size matters” …

trust

Trust is the most important thing in any relationship.. Without 100% trust in a woman, how do you know she won’t tell your wife?

by itself

“I’m leaving you” my wife screamed, ” You don’t lift a finger around this house.” “And what about this?” I replied, waving remote control. “Does… Read More »by itself

my mouth

I told my wife “Everybody thinks I’m too sarcastic.” “What makes you say that?” she asked. I said “My mouth.”

sense of humour

I came home today to find my wife on ebay again. My kids have a weird sense of humor.

caught

I lost a very good friend and drinking partner yesterday.. His finger got caught in a wedding ring..

no guess

The wife rang me earlier and said: “You’ll never guess who I saw today.” “There’s not much incentive to try then” I said as I… Read More »no guess

recording

Why do married Indian women have that red dot on their forehead? they’re recording everything!

example

My son asked me what was like to be married… So I deleted all the songs on his ipod and left only one.. that should… Read More »example

solved

When my wife picks a restaurant that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.Problem solved.

my turn

I told my wife to spin the globe, put her finger on it and wherever it lands that will be the holiday destination. ”Ooooo!” she… Read More »my turn

reminder

Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day when she said, “Remember, you have a wife.”

fired

One day a man returns home to his wife telling her that he was fired from his job at a deli mart. His wife asked why and he said, “after all the years I have worked there, I have always wanted to stick my penis into the meat grinder, and today was the day I completely lost my patience and finaly stuck it in there.
Read More »fired

scheme

I went to great effort to kill my wife recently, with a completely untraceable poison obtained from a plant that grows for just two weeks on the eastern side of a Peruvian mountain.Read More »scheme

present

Wife:”Don’t open that wardrobe! your birthday present is in there!” Me:*opening the door*”Too late…this is the stupidest present ever!” Me: “Why the fuck would I… Read More »present

master

My wife cames home to find me watching the football game…. Wife: “you turn that game off and go and do the dishes!! Me: *throwing… Read More »master

cheers

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends!….. may they never meet!

fantasy

My husband asked me to dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill his fantasy… that we have health insurance. 

procedure

Yesterday I went through a costly and painful procedure that required me to have my spine and both testicles removed. Still, I got some fantastic… Read More »procedure

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