My 13 year old son came home the other night and told me he had just had sex for the first time. I asked him did he wear any protection?
He said, “yes Dad, we all wore balaclavas.”
Dirty Jokes
Welcome to our dirty jokes collection, more than 400 of the filthiest and funniest adult jokes we could round up in one place. Expect NSFW one-liners, X-rated puns and cheeky gags made for grown-ups with a dark sense of humor. For the best of them sorted by topic, start with our 200 dirty jokes for adults. New dirty jokes get added all the time, so bookmark the page and check back. Strictly 18+ and definitely not one for the family dinner table.
Upset for being asked not to hold my nephew?
I’m so fricking mad right now, it’s pouring out of me. I need to know if my wife and I are assholes or getting wrongly… Read More »Upset for being asked not to hold my nephew?
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that?
I’m a bartender
Guy: One Mojito pleaseMe: SureGuy: Can you make it virgin?Me (Holding back tears): Yes… yes I can
She won’t admit it, but I’m sure my wife’s favorite sex position is “trick-dog style.”
It’s where I sit up and beg, then she rolls over and plays dead.
Whats the difference between you and a sick Mallard?
One’s a sick duck, the other’s a dick suck
There was a man who mistook TippEx for Viagra
He woke up in the morning with a massive correction
A good joke is like sex
Very hard to get
I don’t always have sex while I’m camping
But when I do it’s fucking in tents!
VPNs are like Condoms
One leak and you could end up sentenced to at least 18 years.
One day Jane found Tarzan in the jungle. He was lean and muscular and she was very attracted to him. During the course of their conversation, she asked what he did for sex.
“Sex?” he asked. “What’s that?”She explained what sex was and he said, “Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree!”Horrified, Jane said, “Oh,… Read More »One day Jane found Tarzan in the jungle. He was lean and muscular and she was very attracted to him. During the course of their conversation, she asked what he did for sex.
What did virgin Mary yell when she walked into her son masturbating?
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!
My wife wants me to try a blindfold during sex, but I don’t think it’s a good idea.
I just can’t see myself wearing it.
Some people are so ignorant about anatomy.
Just today I had to explain to someone that there is a vas deferens between a testicle and a penis.
“Your mom” jokes are getting old so here’s a “your dad” joke to shake things up.
Your dad is so horny that he called 911 to ask for a police escort.
Did you hear about the horse who married a prostitute?
He was a one-trick pony.
Donald Trump found out about impeachment tonight coming after him.
Donald Trump: “Was she the stripper from Georgia? Write her a check.”
What do you call a Jewish Woman’s boobs?
Joobs(Yes I stole this from South Park)
Matt Damon decided to do porn
“Saving Ryan’s Privates”
A man was getting ready to go down on a gal…
He said,”damn you got a big vagina, damn you got a big vagina.””She said,”you didn’t have to say it twice.”He said,”I didn’t!”
I eat pussy like I smoke cigarettes.
All the way to the butt.
Your penis can grow in length and has a prehensile function
It is strong enough to be used to swing around like spiderman, but you can only use it in open spaces.
What’s the worst part about having sex with a miner?
Their headlamp always shines right in your eyes!!
My Co-worker gave me some motivational advice today
He said: “If you can figure out how to get something done naked with a stick, there should be no excuse not to do it… Read More »My Co-worker gave me some motivational advice today
A man and woman had been married for 30 years
In those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn’t please her, so he… Read More »A man and woman had been married for 30 years
Dave walks into his local pub…
…and sees Bob sitting at the bar, grinning from ear to ear.Dave goes up to Bob and says, “Oy, Bob, what you grinning about there?”… Read More »Dave walks into his local pub…
Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other:
“I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
Oouch
A married man died just before sex.His wife cut his penis, coated it with cement & fixed it on her bedroom wall.Every night she used… Read More »Oouch
What’s a thing pornstars and truckers have in common?
They both get paid by the load.
You guys wanna brood and talk about how much we hate our dads?
I fucking hate my dad! Also there should be a flair for Family/FriendsBut my dad is a Homophobic POS, he saw my watching Steven Universe… Read More »You guys wanna brood and talk about how much we hate our dads?