hidden
tHis is A VEry Serious tEXt post WITH no hidden MEaning.
thefun
third
If the earth is the 3rd planet from the sun, doesn’t that make every country a third world country?
so bad
The economy is so bad Mcdonalds employees are asking customers, Can you afford fries with that?
smartphone
I bought my girlfriend a smart phone. It calls 911 as soon as she starts her car.
same resume
I can’t stand it when women say “I bet you say that to all the pretty girls.” Of course I fucking do. Don’t you use… Read More »same resume
fairtyle
I had a fairytale childhood. My Grandma was eaten by a wolf.
characters
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
real psych
I called the psychic hotline by mistake tonight. A woman answered and said, “Don’t worry, your pizza is on its way.”
victim
Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbour’s WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I’m the victim here!
go to study
Asian kid: My blood test came back. Im B- Asian parent: Go to room & study til blood is A+
F is for friends who do stuff without you.
F is for friends who do stuff without you. U is for ur alone. N is for no one wants to be with you because… Read More »F is for friends who do stuff without you.
secret
Victoria’s Secret? You’ll never look like the girls in the ads.
hairy
Just how hairy was the guy, who invented the shampoo “Head n Shoulders”?
keep up
Boss: “You’re not suppose to be drinking on the job!” Me: “You’re not suppose to cheat on your wife.” Boss: “Keep up the good work”
Quit quoting me, girls.
Quit quoting me, girls. I was a whore. Not a philosopher! – Marilyn Monroe
to them
Her: excuse me I’m up here. Me: excuse me i was talking to your boobs.
wondering
sometimes I spend entire meetings wondering how they get the big meeting table through the door
plans
I never plan on drinking as much I do. …which is why I no longer make plans.
to the right place
My wife called me today to tell me that the car wouldn’t start. I said, “Honey, when I’m not there you have to sit in… Read More »to the right place
selfie
Art History Fact: the Mona Lisa is one of the most famous selfies.
it’s time
I started arguing with my gf a lot, we rarely have sex anymore and we can’t stand each other either… I think we’re ready to… Read More »it’s time
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both…
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
copying and pasting
You know you’re online sex relationship isn’t working out when you discover she’s been copying and pasting her orgasms.
settle
With all the housework that I’ve done today, my boyfriend should give me a gold medal… But I’ll settle for a pearl necklace.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
dirty
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.
complete dick
At the end of the year the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said “I notice you buy a lot of candles, what do you do with the drippings?”Read More »complete dick
politely
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
blow bubbles
I just walked up to a girl while she was chewing gum. I asked her if she could blow bubbles. she siad, “Who’s Bubbles?”
worked
Just been caught playing with myself….. Now everyone knows my cloning experiment worked!!