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coincidence

This morning my wife woke me up with a nudge. “Oh God,” she said, “I’ve just had a horrible nightmare.” “Oh no,” I replied cuddling… Read More »coincidence

etiquette

how long after arriving at someone’s house is it appropriate to ask the wifi password

valentine

I said to this girl, “Will you be my valentine?” “Talk to the hand,” she replied. “I did,” I said, “but he’s tired of being… Read More »valentine

cheating

The garbage man is late. I think he’s been cheating on me with some other piece of trash.

so tired?

Ever been so tired at work that people thought you were drunk? I hope so because thats the only excuse I have for being drunk… Read More »so tired?

month ago

We ask 18-years-olds to make huge decisions about their career and financial future, when a month ago they had to ask to go to the… Read More »month ago

before

No one’s an atheist 30 seconds before an orgasm.

attention

Fires tell their kids not to play with Chuck Norris.

the cure

These new anti-depressants I got from the doctor are brilliant. I felt much better as soon as I put a dozen in my wife’s food.

unrealistic

Porn is so unrealistic. I’ve been watching for 20 minutes now and no one has checked their phone.

sent from

A guy from Apple promised me a pre-release of a new product if I sucked his cock this morning. As if I would compromise my… Read More »sent from

exactly

Me at work: “don’t talk to me until I have my coffee” Colleague: “but you don’t even drink coffee!” Me: “exactly”

who is this

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she’s pregnant. She is furious… Here she’s in the middle of… Read More »who is this

for mama

Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house,… Read More »for mama

argument

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you. They could have least waited until I got dressed and… Read More »argument

free trial

High school is like a free trial on education and then once you’ve graduated they say, “Ok now if you want to continue, please pay… Read More »free trial

never

I might be going to hell, but my at least my coffee will never get cold.

reward

If I find out who sent my wife a large bouquet of flowers today, I’m going to beat their ass. ….The stupid bitch thought it… Read More »reward

remaining

Yawning is your bodies way of saying 20% battery remaining.

trying

I will never forget my teachers.. but I will keep on trying.

the first

Barack Obama…. The first black presidennt and he starts selling weed.