unless
They say drugs and alcohol isn’t the answer. Unless they ask”What’s the secret to a happy marriage?”
thefun
whales
I was in a bar the other night and I overheard a couple of overweight women talking to each other near me. Their accent appeared… Read More »whales
difference
*its not you its me * in america -means breaking up in asia -just means they are looking at pictures of people
waist
I just spent 6 hours linking all of my watches together to make a belt. It was a complete waist of time.
latex factory
Latex Factory!
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud ‘hiss-pop’ noise..Read More »latex factory
seizure
I danced like no-one was watching, but someone was………they called an ambulance because they thought I was having a seizure…..
others
After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, “Tell me who the other nominees are ? and I will… Read More »others
finally
Leonardo DiCaprio:*names his child Oscar* Doctor:”Would you like to hold h-” Leonardo DiCaprio:”Say it like we rehearsed it.” Doctor:*sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
function
‘I love you’ is a mathematical function where ‘I love’ is constant and ‘you’ is a variable..
Is it bad that after spending an hour with my psychologist, she…
Is it bad that after spending an hour with my psychologist, she has to spend two hours with hers?
ignoring
Wife: What’s that beeping?” Me: “That’s my seat belt alarm.” Wife: “How can you ignore something so annoying?” Me: “Huh?”
The most popular song in Russia right now is Crimea River.
The most popular song in Russia right now is Crimea River.
I said
Me: “Would you like to dance?” Woman: “Hell no!” Me: “Im sorry you misheard me. What I said was, you look fat in those pants”.
goodbye
The first program of an emo-programmer is “Goodbye world”.. by bozhobg
Oscar
What if in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar…and the actor who played him… Read More »Oscar
moment
A moment of silence for the beer that I forgot about in the freezer.
while
Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything… …while simultaneously taking away your ability to do so.
autocorect
A man received the following text from his neighbour: I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I… Read More »autocorect
honest
According to my penis, there’s a 99% chance I like you.
what?
When a women says “what?” Its not because she didn’t hear you. She’s giving you a chance to change what you’ve said. WRONG, she’s challenging… Read More »what?
how I met your mother
The year is 2030. Ted Mosby is 52 years old, still sad and alone, while all his friends are married. He goes to a strip… Read More »how I met your mother
honest
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because… Read More »honest
new school
I was transferred to a new school last week. I hated being the new guy so I had to make a name for myself. I… Read More »new school
one minute
I was in my car driving back from work last night. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, “One… Read More »one minute
cheating
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, its considered responsible; however, if you do that with your girlfriend it’s considered… Read More »cheating
I’m ok with women faking it in bed.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
revenge
Women have the ability to keep smiling even when they’re planning revenge.
fortune teller
So the interviewer asked “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” I responded “Do you see fortune teller on my fucking resume`?!? No you… Read More »fortune teller
strangers
I get really fucking pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of personal questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
diaper
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper? Ask Hugh Hefner.