surprise
My Saturday was going pretty well until I realized it was Sunday
thefun
without
I love watching women’s Curling during the Olympics. It’s the only time I can drink beer while cheering on a woman sweeping a broom…without getting… Read More »without
one more
I pulled my wife bleeding from the wrecked car, as she screamed and pleaded for me to let her have one more shot at parking… Read More »one more
holding
Got a porno the other day, I put it in the DVD player but it was just a dark blurry picture of some guy holding… Read More »holding
faster
Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture.
believing
Insanity is believing your hallucinations are real. Religion is believing other people’s hallucinations are real.
wrong
Hello sir, we’re from your internet provider. You’ve recently said that “homosexuality is wrong,” so we’ve blocked you from seeing lesbian porn.
short cut
I walked into a barbershop today. The guy said, “Can I help you sir?” I said, “I just need a short cut”, as I walked… Read More »short cut
I walked in last night and my wife said, “Where have you been?”…
I walked in last night and my wife said, “Where have you been?” I said, “Playing poker at Dave’s.” She said, “Ok, what have you… Read More »I walked in last night and my wife said, “Where have you been?”…
boxer
This girl was chatting me up at the pub. “So, what do you do for a living?” she asked, batting her eyelids over her glass.”… Read More »boxer
nobody
I danced like nobody was watching and now I need a lawyer.
so good
Shouting, constantly rearranging stuff and sweeping. No wonder women are so good at curling!!
One of my biggest fears is that after I die I’ll get…
One of my biggest fears is that after I die I’ll get reincarnated as myself.
remove
My wife is one of those people that can spot the humour in any given situation. And quickly remove it.
replacement
We should place the elderly in prisons because they will get a shower everyday, video surveillance in case of problems, three meals a day, access… Read More »replacement
prank
My favorite thing to do at the library is leave browser tabs open with search results for “Best way to clean cum off a keyboard?”
My wife said, ” Why do you never take me to the theatre?
My wife said, ” Why do you never take me to the theatre? You know I love the theatre.” I said, “Why do you never… Read More »My wife said, ” Why do you never take me to the theatre?
I try to let my wife run things at home.
I try to let my wife run things at home. Like the dishwasher, hoover and lawnmower.
fault
it’s my girlfriend’s fault I slept with all her friends…. she’s the one that told them I have a huge cock!!
without
Valentine’s Day is just a massive hassle bruh. I need to: 1. Remember to text my girlfriend a long lovey dovey message at the beginning… Read More »without
trick
I can’t believe I actually tricked a woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was buy her a ring and live with… Read More »trick
Concentrate
Snooker table is the coolest table for men. It teaches them how to play with the balls and concentrate on many holes using a single… Read More »Concentrate
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
downside
I was making a sandwich when I thought to myself, “So, there is a downside to divorce”.
coincidence
This morning my wife woke me up with a nudge. “Oh God,” she said, “I’ve just had a horrible nightmare.” “Oh no,” I replied cuddling… Read More »coincidence
etiquette
how long after arriving at someone’s house is it appropriate to ask the wifi password
My apartment is full of Valentine’s Day cards.
My apartment is full of Valentine’s Day cards. I’m not that popular, I’m just a really lazy mail man!
My wife asked what I wanted for Valentine’s Day.
My wife asked what I wanted for Valentine’s Day. I said I wanted a blowjob. She’s all, “no silly, something I can buy you.” So… Read More »My wife asked what I wanted for Valentine’s Day.
valentine
I said to this girl, “Will you be my valentine?” “Talk to the hand,” she replied. “I did,” I said, “but he’s tired of being… Read More »valentine
cheating
The garbage man is late. I think he’s been cheating on me with some other piece of trash.