t-shirt
A dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front: Let me put my tool in your mouth… and on the back:…and… Read More »t-shirt
thefun
I was going to go to the gym but I got exhausted trying to…
I was going to go to the gym but I got exhausted trying to parallel parking.
freak
No, I don’t want to come to your cat’s birthday party…you freak. My dog’s getting married that weekend.
Officer: “Blow into this” JB: *starts unzipping officers pants*…
Officer: “Blow into this” JB: *starts unzipping officers pants* Officer: “No! No! WTF!?”
don’t forget
A very attractive young woman came up to me today and asked me to get her a drink. Then I remembered. I was serving behind… Read More »don’t forget
what to say
I got fired at work today. My boss said my communication skills were awful. I didn’t know what to say to that.
texting
I am surprised my girlfriend failed her driving test. She texted me like 3 times telling me everything was going good.
everything
Our little girl is growing up! Monica Lewinsky turned 50 recently. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling around the White House on… Read More »everything
good signal
Just as I was thinking that technology ruined the art of conversation, my date looked up at me and smiled. “This is a fantastic restaurant,”… Read More »good signal
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” -How ballet was…
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” -How ballet was invented.
taste
I have good taste I just don’t have the money to prove it!
who is first?
If their a pic of the making of the world’s first camera. Which camera took the pic of the world’s first camera?
What is a Jehovah’s witness favorite band?
What is a Jehovah’s witness favorite band? The Doors.
anything
Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new….” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck… Read More »anything
too honest
My husband and I went for marriage counseling this morning. The counselor told me I need to be more open with him about what I… Read More »too honest
harder
We’re at the age in our life when the wife says, “Dave, I want it harder!” I reply, “Ok babe, what’s the gross national product… Read More »harder
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
woman of my dreams
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I’m pretty damn… Read More »woman of my dreams
profit for all
I place $20 in a box. So do you. Now the box contains $40, and we both know it. I sell the box to you… Read More »profit for all
woman of my dreams
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I’m pretty damn… Read More »woman of my dreams
money for sex
Wife: Do you wanna have sex? Me: Yeah, I thought you’d never ask Wife: Ok here’s £40 and there’s a brothel around the corner.
prank
As I bent down on one knee in the expensive restaurant my girlfriend starting crying and screaming “Yes!” As I picked up my phone from… Read More »prank
not to lie
I said to my husband “Why don’t you tell me you love me?” He said “For fuck sake woman, I can’t win, you told me… Read More »not to lie
ready
I always have skis mounted on the roof of my car just in case I flip it and land in the snow.
good hangover
I don’t even call it a hangover anymore. It’s just morning.
time to stop
I keep getting bombarded with emails about penis enlargement. I wish my wife would stop it.
Ive never caught my penis in my zipper…
Ive never caught my penis in my zipper… See a small penis is too good for something.
A taxi driver asked me “Aren’t you going to give me a tip?
A taxi driver asked me “Aren’t you going to give me a tip? I replied “Of course, Don’t work too long into the night”
My buddy asked me, “Do you know how the Native Americans said…
My buddy asked me, “Do you know how the Native Americans said hello?” So I say, “How?” “Oh, you already knew.”
surprise
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined… Read More »surprise