settle
With all the housework that I’ve done today, my boyfriend should give me a gold medal… But I’ll settle for a pearl necklace.
thefun
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
dirty
Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty Bastards.
complete dick
At the end of the year the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said “I notice you buy a lot of candles, what do you do with the drippings?”Read More »complete dick
politely
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
blow bubbles
I just walked up to a girl while she was chewing gum. I asked her if she could blow bubbles. she siad, “Who’s Bubbles?”
worked
Just been caught playing with myself….. Now everyone knows my cloning experiment worked!!
more now
If I had a nickel for all the times I’m confused, I would be like, “Why do I have these nickels? What is going on?… Read More »more now
healthy
They say that eating Subway is healthy, so I always eat some after I leave McDonald’s.
doesn’t help
Apparently studying 3D geometry with 3D glasses on doesn’t help.
different
My wife said, “Honey, let’s do something different tonight.” “What did you have in mind?” I asked. “I want you to imagine I’m a slutty… Read More »different
I wish Facebook would notify me when people delete me.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people delete me. That way I can ”like” it.
yesterday
Friend:”You look pretty today!” Me: “Umm..was I ugly yesterday?”
holding
Little Johnny is out walking with his dad when they see two dogs shagging on the other side of the road. “What are they doing,… Read More »holding
doesn’t work
I don’t understand some politicians… “Government doesn’t work. Elect us and we will prove it. “
Last day
I have got to stop living every day like it could be my last. The hangovers are killing me…
losing
I remember my Dad telling me, “Son. Only ever gamble what you don’t mind losing.” It was the last thing he said to me before… Read More »losing
nice name
I always wanted to name my first daughter after my first love… but my wife thinks that “nutella” is not the right name for her!!
what was the question
Alcohol isn’t the answer. It just makes you forget the question.
snuck
Whoever snuck the s in fast food is a clever bastards.
give up
If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I’d probably… Read More »give up
probably
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow.
autocorect
My android autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” . i left it. it’s true.
available
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I’m available.
waiting
Inside every fat woman there is a thin woman. Inside every thin woman there is a fat woman waiting for marriage.
anonymous
“Quotes are for dumb people who can’t think of something intelligent to say on their own.” – anonymous
cache
I tried to download a girlfriend last night. But I didn’t have enough cache.
immortal
They say laughter is the best medicine, and based on how many people laugh at me, I’m gonna live forever.
be a warrior
Worry is a waste of energy. It cant change the past. It cant control the future. It only makes today miserable. Be a warrior, not… Read More »be a warrior
prank
Every time I see someone with Google glasses I’m gonna run up and scream “image search diarrhea, safety mode off! open first 50 results in… Read More »prank