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so poor

Growing up my family was so poor that on my 12th birthday they put half a cake with six candles up against a mirror.

gambling

it was joey’s first day at school and his father warned the teacher that the boy was an avid gambler. he said that joey might win lunch money from the other kids if he wasn’t watched closely.Read More »gambling

fantasize

According to the latest survey, when making love, most married men, fantasize that their wives arent fantasizing!

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of…

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A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.Read More »A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of…

to reduce the losses

My girlfriend’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

cheap solution

Can’t afford anti depressants… So I’m drinking No More Tears shampoo.

first instruction

The first cooking instruction on food packaging should be “Don’t throw out box until after reading all instructions.”

depends

Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 cans of beer a day seems necessary.

unlogic

The English language: If a car transports something it’s called shipment. If a boat transports something its called cargo.

second best

Drawing is the second best thing in the world which requires your Hand & Imagination simultaneously.

change

My ex reminds me off pink floyd… He became less ‘how I wish you were here’ since he started dating ‘the dark side of the… Read More »change

password

* At A Restaurant* Waiter; What Would You Like? Me: The WiFi Password……

taste test

Of course I’m a medical professional, and what do you mean your previous gynecologist never performed a “taste test” ?

mistake

My mate told me that his girlfriend talks in her sleep. “I know” probably wasn’t the best answer.

fluent

I’m drunk so much tequila last night I woke up speaking Spanish this morning

how often

Doctor: Do you smoke? Me: Only when I drink Doctor: How often do you drink? Me: Yeah, I smoke

scene

I’ve been having an affair with a film director’s wife. Yesterday he caught us in bed together. He was furious. I said to him, “Look,… Read More »scene

to explain

If only God can judge us than Santa has some explaining to do.

break-up

Best break-up line: I get so emotional when your not around.. I call that emotion Happiness.

police smartphone

In North Korea, they developed the first-ever smartphone, just like an iPhone. But if you ask Siri any questions, she reports you to the police.

trick

The government really are sneaky bastards. They raise the tax on alcohol, then make sure that the country is in such a mess that you… Read More »trick

under pressure

I hate that they put “use by” dates on condoms… like I’m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.