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holding

Little Johnny is out walking with his dad when they see two dogs shagging on the other side of the road. “What are they doing,… Read More »holding

doesn’t work

I don’t understand some politicians… “Government doesn’t work. Elect us and we will prove it. “

Last day

I have got to stop living every day like it could be my last. The hangovers are killing me…

losing

I remember my Dad telling me, “Son. Only ever gamble what you don’t mind losing.” It was the last thing he said to me before… Read More »losing

nice name

I always wanted to name my first daughter after my first love… but my wife thinks that “nutella” is not the right name for her!!

snuck

Whoever snuck the s in fast food is a clever bastards.

give up

If I was just learning English and you told me a sport called BOXING takes place in a SQUARE area called a RING, I’d probably… Read More »give up

probably

People treat New Year’s like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow.

autocorect

My android autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” . i left it. it’s true.

available

Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I’m available.

waiting

Inside every fat woman there is a thin woman. Inside every thin woman there is a fat woman waiting for marriage.

anonymous

“Quotes are for dumb people who can’t think of something intelligent to say on their own.” – anonymous

cache

I tried to download a girlfriend last night. But I didn’t have enough cache.

immortal

They say laughter is the best medicine, and based on how many people laugh at me, I’m gonna live forever.

prank

Every time I see someone with Google glasses I’m gonna run up and scream “image search diarrhea, safety mode off! open first 50 results in… Read More »prank

unrealistic

I was watching porn with my wife and she complained “This is so unrealistic.” I replied, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t… Read More »unrealistic

advice

Worry is a waste of energy. It cant change the past. It cant control the future. It only makes today miserable. Be a warrior, not… Read More »advice

another

My goal is to lose this hangover So I can earn another.

soon or later

Tomorrow will be better, and if it’s not I say it again tomorrow…you never know right? At some point, someday…tomorrow WILL be better..

hiding

I have been hiding from exercise. I am in the fitness protection programme.

don’t judge

Never judge a man until you’ve had sex with his wife.

to see

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

so poor

Growing up my family was so poor that on my 12th birthday they put half a cake with six candles up against a mirror.

gambling

it was joey’s first day at school and his father warned the teacher that the boy was an avid gambler. he said that joey might win lunch money from the other kids if he wasn’t watched closely.Read More »gambling

fantasize

According to the latest survey, when making love, most married men, fantasize that their wives arent fantasizing!

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of…

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A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.Read More »A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of…

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