pathetic joke
I named my cat “Honey”. So when I get home i can shout. “Honey, I’m home!” Then cry for 20 minutes cause my life Is… Read More »pathetic joke
thefun
If I was a black girl, I’d go to a tanning salon just so I could…
If I was a black girl, I’d go to a tanning salon just so I could burst out the front door looking at my arms… Read More »If I was a black girl, I’d go to a tanning salon just so I could…
so poor
Our family is so poor, we all Instagram the same plate of food.
paying
Cashier: ok that will be $237.53 me: do you accept tears
prank
There is nothing funnier than yelling, “SHE’S STEALING MY CHILD!” and pointing at a woman who’s having trouble with her kid in public.
die hard
I hope when Bruce Willis dies it’s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read “Bruce Willis Died Hard”
cookies
Why do fat people spend all day browsing the internet? To get more cookies.
browsers
Google chrome: “what are we?!” firefox: “browsers!” opera: “browsers!” Google chrome: “what do we want?!” firefox: “fast internet!” opera: “fast internet!” Google chrome: “when do… Read More »browsers
the same
When I say I want someone with a sense of humor, I really mean I want someone with MY sense of humor.
like most people
Do you think regular dogs hate police dogs like most people hate policemen?
free wifi
Today I found out the name of my neighbors cat… In other news, I now have free internet.
saddest
Saddest thing I’ve ever read on the internet: “When I’m feeling lonely I dont shave one of my legs so it feels like I’m sleeping… Read More »saddest
recording
The Japanese flag is recording everything.
fashion week
It’s Fashion Week in New York. The time of year when today’s top models show off the latest eating disorders.
prank
I always wanted to super glue a $20 to the floor in the revolving door.
reality
I’ve come to the conclusion that people don’t make me feel stupid.. I really am.
honestly
“You have to enjoy the little things in life,” …I whispered into my girlfriend’s ears, as I took my pants off.
like football
Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security…
I was in my Psychology class yesterday and we were learning…
I was in my Psychology class yesterday and we were learning about Pavlov and laughing about how stupid those dogs were. Anyway, then the bell… Read More »I was in my Psychology class yesterday and we were learning…
If it’s dark in the bedroom, it may take several minutes for me…
If it’s dark in the bedroom, it may take several minutes for me to find the hole and even a few more minutes to stick… Read More »If it’s dark in the bedroom, it may take several minutes for me…
caught
I lost a very good friend and drinking partner yesterday.. His finger got caught in a wedding ring..
I was arrested today over a slight misunderstanding at work.
I was arrested today over a slight misunderstanding at work. Apparently taking your work home is classified as ‘theft’ when you work in a ‘Bank’
too much
Bars are weird, they’re the only business that kicks you out for buying too much of their product.
are you done
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table “are you done with that?” Especially when he’s breaking up with his girlfriend.
fruit
I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. OK, all grapes. Fermented grapes. I’m having wine for dinner.
Guy: Please don’t tell my girlfriend that we had sex.
Guy: Please don’t tell my girlfriend that we had sex. Girl: I won’t, my lips are sealed. Guy: LIAR!
fence
The range of the Wi-Fi signal is MY electric fence.
guards
Anyone else find it ironic how professional boxers need security guards to walk them to the ring?
true love
True love is waking up in the middle of the night just to watch your laptop while it sleeps.
no guess
The wife rang me earlier and said: “You’ll never guess who I saw today.” “There’s not much incentive to try then” I said as I… Read More »no guess