recording
Why do married Indian women have that red dot on their forehead? they’re recording everything!
thefun
“Hey, Jesus.
“Hey, Jesus. At what time are we having the last supper?” “‘Last’?” “Supper. I mean just supper. Hehehe…” “You’re weird, Judas.
great Wall
My son has a huge wall of toys in his room. I call it the Great Wall Of Made In China.
experience
Over the years I’ve learned that everyone has to pay for their own mistakes. Except for the government. We have to pay for theirs too.
don’t ask
If you have to ask a woman if she came, she didn’t.
Ghepetto walked in on his son Pinnochio, and nearly died of a…
Ghepetto walked in on his son Pinnochio, and nearly died of a heart attack when he saw his son.. Lying under the bed sheets with… Read More »Ghepetto walked in on his son Pinnochio, and nearly died of a…
solver
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver.
To those who say love is more important than money…
To those who say love is more important than money… Have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?
In hell, everyone can see your Google search history.
In hell, everyone can see your Google search history.
almost cooking
The recipe might be easy, but a reservation is easier.
to do
The Pink Panther’s To Do list: – To do – To do – To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo
not miracle
“MOM I HAVE GOOD NEWS! “What? Did you get an A on your math exam?” “I said I have good news, not a miracle.”
exotic stare
Vacations are a great way to spend thousands of dollars to stare at your phone in exotic locations.
ACTUAL ORIGINAL JOKE:
A kid and his father were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to… Read More »ACTUAL ORIGINAL JOKE:
prefer
Actually officer, I prefer to think scotch smells like me.
camouflage
What if aliens designed their spaceships to look like airplanes?
send by vde
It took 4 days to create the Earth and only 1 day to create every other galaxy (Bible calls them stars). That is why there… Read More »send by vde
too serious
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
if you know what i mean
I’ve been called sugar, pumpkin, honey, cupcake, sweets…all kinds of damn food. I’m a girl, dammit. Eat me.
they want…
“Siri, what do women want?” She hasn’t shut up in 3 days.
Friday night
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again…
anything
They told me I could be anything, so I became a submarine. – Titanic
example
My son asked me what was like to be married… So I deleted all the songs on his ipod and left only one.. that should… Read More »example
surprise
Today Arnold Schwarzenegger turned 66 and his family threw him a party and when he walked in they shouted “Surprise!” his “Another maid is pregnant?”
solved
When my wife picks a restaurant that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.Problem solved.
difference
how guys propose: on one knee. How girls propose: “I’m pregnant!!”
step out
“Can I have a double shot of fireball please?” I slurred. “Dont you think you’ve had enough, ma’am?” “Excuse me!? Listen asshole, I could out-drink… Read More »step out
it’s me
I hate when I go to uninstall some program, and then they want me to fill out a survey telling them why. Like I just… Read More »it’s me
my turn
I told my wife to spin the globe, put her finger on it and wherever it lands that will be the holiday destination. ”Ooooo!” she… Read More »my turn
I had the awkward moment the other day, where my dad decided to…
I had the awkward moment the other day, where my dad decided to come up to me, and said “Son, we need to talk.” Now when he said this, I thought, oh great, here comes the sex talk.
Read More »I had the awkward moment the other day, where my dad decided to…